Woher?

reading my last post, it was the beginning of something in my life.. i cant believe that that beginning of something has already ended now. things change. i still cant believe it. it was my choice. and i have to accept the consequences.. hurt.. pain.. bruised self confidence.. rejection.. i'll just have to swallow it down.. i noticed that i've changed.. my character.. im not so caring anymore. and a tinge rude too.. i guess the saying of what u are feeling inside gets reflected outside is true. i dont like who i am right now. i am at a phase of life that i dont know where im at. looking at other people's lives, they have it all together. their work, studies, future, family, relationships.. when i look at myself, i dont see anything at all. how come gays are so happy together? how come the act of doing something can result in happiness? im trying to get over my situation right now. people advised me to get over it as soon as possible. i agree with them.. i thought i was over it. but im not. i dont wanna tell anyone that im not over it. coz all they can say is get over it. im trying so hard.. i cant turn back time and change things. i only have God and myself in this battle. met a guy last night. he was really charismatic, funny and has amazing self confidence.. and he's gay.. more and more guys that i know are gay.. it's just such a waste.. why? i always ask this question when i meet a gay guy.. why? *writen on 17 Sept 2012*

Wilderness

I'm tired.. i want to get to Heaven.. where there is no pain nor tears.. i dont wanna feel hurt anymore.. or i just wanna go somewhere that i can disappear.. i dont wanna study.. i dont wanna work.. i dont wanna do anything.. sick of everything.. i know God is with me.. i know He loves me.. but im just so tired of going thru situations Lord.. of living life.. of doing what im doing everyday.. what's my purpose? why am i born? i wait for Sunday everytime.. the moment when i can be in God's presence, where all my worries fade away.. but the moment i step back into the real world, these feelings come back.. i want to reflect God's love to others.. i wanna be an example of God's child to others. but with me being like this, how am i going to do it Lord? i just want to get into my car.. and drive on a road that never ends.. just keep on driving till the day im supposed to go back to be with my Heavenly Father.. Wondering around in the wilderness of my life.. where is the path that leads me out? i wanna find it soon.. coz im too tired already.. too tired..

What do i do?

if she can do it, why cant i? should i escape before it goes deeper? this has been bugging me. i totally did not expect this to come. what do i do Lord? is this a test from You? to see how much i love You? my heart is so troubled Lord.. so troubled.

came back home late yesterday at around 2am+.. so long since i lepak till late but good thing mommy was busy with her husband so she didnt really question me. was on the welcome team today replacing joanne ho. i must say im disappointed with myself coz i think i could have done better. if only i wasnt that sleepy. i found it tough serving in a place u arent familiar with and i wasnt sure what was their system too. well, there's always a first time for everything right? felt kinda useless standing there doing nothing.. >.<

after service, i told victor that he can put me up for welcome team if he has any kekosongan or require last min replacements.. then he said 'only for kekosongan? u dont want to be a regular?'.. so i said okay.. put me on regularly.. so there you go.. im on the welcome team now. =) some were kinda surprised as i spoke to them that i've only attended this church for 1 month plus. i like to serve and i miss being a part of the worship team. i dont know what God has in store for me in this new place.

today, ps mark preached about building a culture. culture is something that comes naturally out of being accustomed with something. lets build a kingdom culture.. how? by being consistent and unshakeable. being consistent is by doing it everyday, day and night. how do we do it everyday, day and night? by having an unshakeable cause. lets be the process. not the project. process is on going whereas a project has a beginning and an end. God, i pray for Your strength to be upon me to be a lighthouse in my place of work.. before i quit, i wanna witness to my colleagues. i feel that time is running out. help me God.

Attention & Acceptance

believe it or not, this is what everyone seeks.. attention from God, ur parents, siblings, friends, boss, colleagues, that person.. was a lil quiet at work today and it was what i noticed today.. this girl trying hard to get the attention of this guy. this guy trying to show how cool is he to this girl.. i dont deny that i too seek attention at times, but, it gets really tiring..

1 hour ago i was smiling to myself, and now, im already feeling down.. how fast can someone's emotions change? its simply amazing.. each time i tell myself no, its just my brain speaking but my heart and fingers dont listen.

didnt go to church yesterday coz i wasnt feeling good since saturday.. the weekend felt strange coz there was no church.. woke up today wondering what day was it.. its so hard for me to fit into this new environment, the new church.. they are just a totally different bunch of people.. i just want to give up sometimes.. being a visitor and a regular are 2 totally different things.. a visitor just looks at the surface.. whereas the regular is a part of the team.. involved in the inside story.

this is nothing right? its not even a problem.. i shouldnt be burdened by this.. its not like im bankrupt or dont have a house to stay in or have no money for food.. its just acceptance.. i want to feel accepted.. part of the team.. thats a really important feeling to have for a newbie..

update

wow.. its been a month since i last posted something? haha.. oppss.. well, there is a reason.. its coz i was preoccupied with something.. a change in my life which i tried really hard to accept.. i had no one to share my thoughts with.. only God.. and i didnt really talk to Him either.. coz i was thinking that it's something i must accept coz its for the happiness of others so no use talking.. till i talked to my cousin, i found out that i dont even know what i was feeling.. till someone called me to talk, that i broke down.. cried on the phone.. haha.. i had been keeping it in. till someone who cared just asked me.. 'so how are u'? and that left me crying for 1 minute, unable to talk.

it got my mind off the candidates for awhile.. but after this phase was over, the thoughts of the candidates came back.. but i think im finally over them.. but new prob has risen. i dont think it'll go anywhere so i should just shove it aside and be myself..

and oh, i went for my friend's wedding! long story.. u dont know how much effort was it just to get my clothes and how much i spent! goshh.. i dont wanna think about that but overall, it was a good night. wished to lepak after the wedding but no one to lepak with.. 1 group has another group of frens.. 1 group loves clubbing.. 1 group stays too far away.. 1 group im no longer that close with.. so? should i find a new group? haha..

i dont know why but i find that i cant focus these days.. dont know how to explain. but im feeling better la nowadays. this friday got Connect Group meeting.. and im undecided.. to join my cousin's Connect Group or join this other lady that invited me to her group.. i know my cousin wants me to join his and i sensed the disappointment when i told him bout the other group.. but, since i dont know them, i should find the group that im more comfortable with right? wait.. i dont know anyone.. thats scary.. reminda me of australia.. oh no... not good.. oh well, i'll just take it positively and look forward to a great weekend! :D

close... change..

today was good. i had a great time worshiping God today.. standing there in His presence.. i felt God speak to me to find rest in Him.. to spend more time with Him.. tears cascaded down my cheeks.. i always try to hold back my tears, but when u are touched by Him, i guess u cant help it.. =)

i went to church with a different feeling today.. not as a visitor.. coz i know this is where i'll call my 'home' from now on.. and it felt different.. i had to start over. finding new friends.. my new group. and they are a totally different circle of people. i felt inferior inside me. they all look so cool, fashionable, so pro in the things they do.. and i felt so small.. i told myself to shake off this feeling. this is the decision that i've made and it's the right step.. coz i feel this is where i can grow..closer to God.. its hard to accept change as im so used to my previous circle.. the place i grew up with since i was a small lil girl..

and of course, i missed them.. chongs, ong and lee.. the only group where i can really be myself where i tak payah jaga image. where i can be..yes.. be my manja annoying self.. i guess they have accepted that side of me? i hope so! haha.. so many memories.. the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the shy shy, the embarrassing, the crazy, the lame, the jamming sessions and impromptu song compositions. we'll still get to see each other of course.. but i dont want to have that foreign feeling.. i want to be like 'hi!!'... not 'errr...hi..... dot dot dottt'... i guess it takes effort? and im not really the keep in toucher type of person..

work has taken a turn.. boss decided to change the people we will be assisting.. i'll just commit it to God coz there's nothing i can do about it.. our staff party, or 'dinner and dance' that they call is coming up again.. i dont really look forward to it.. coz i cant really dance.. and i cant be crazy among my colleagues. i just dont know why! i tried to last year.. and even forced myself to drink beer just to loosen up.. but, i just couldnt.. =/

anyways, tomoro is a brand new week. new challenges to tackle. new situations to handle.. things to follow up.. i can do it.. right God? and i definitely look forward to this weekend.. my official last weekend with my lovely comfy sweet friends.. =)

Does Love Exist?

TP asked me this question.. does love exist in this world? of course, we can't include God in this topic coz its totally something else and we all know God loves us! ^^ okok.. back to the topic.. do we have a feeling of love towards someone? or do we have a sense of longing? does longing = love? coz u want someone to be there for u? u do something out of love for someone... because? this got me kinda confused and made me think for a moment.. and i can't come to a conclusion.. haha

today made me realise something.. that i have to let go.. of both that i was holding on to.. coz i think it's impossible.. and now, all the more i'll say it's impossible. i think i've done my part? coz i can only see from my point of view so i dont know where did i go wrong.. and it's not the first time either. im getting tired of this.. i'll just put this case to rest, close the file and tuck it away to collect dust.. i'll let go, and let God.. :)