close... change..

today was good. i had a great time worshiping God today.. standing there in His presence.. i felt God speak to me to find rest in Him.. to spend more time with Him.. tears cascaded down my cheeks.. i always try to hold back my tears, but when u are touched by Him, i guess u cant help it.. =)

i went to church with a different feeling today.. not as a visitor.. coz i know this is where i'll call my 'home' from now on.. and it felt different.. i had to start over. finding new friends.. my new group. and they are a totally different circle of people. i felt inferior inside me. they all look so cool, fashionable, so pro in the things they do.. and i felt so small.. i told myself to shake off this feeling. this is the decision that i've made and it's the right step.. coz i feel this is where i can grow..closer to God.. its hard to accept change as im so used to my previous circle.. the place i grew up with since i was a small lil girl..

and of course, i missed them.. chongs, ong and lee.. the only group where i can really be myself where i tak payah jaga image. where i can be..yes.. be my manja annoying self.. i guess they have accepted that side of me? i hope so! haha.. so many memories.. the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the shy shy, the embarrassing, the crazy, the lame, the jamming sessions and impromptu song compositions. we'll still get to see each other of course.. but i dont want to have that foreign feeling.. i want to be like 'hi!!'... not 'errr...hi..... dot dot dottt'... i guess it takes effort? and im not really the keep in toucher type of person..

work has taken a turn.. boss decided to change the people we will be assisting.. i'll just commit it to God coz there's nothing i can do about it.. our staff party, or 'dinner and dance' that they call is coming up again.. i dont really look forward to it.. coz i cant really dance.. and i cant be crazy among my colleagues. i just dont know why! i tried to last year.. and even forced myself to drink beer just to loosen up.. but, i just couldnt.. =/

anyways, tomoro is a brand new week. new challenges to tackle. new situations to handle.. things to follow up.. i can do it.. right God? and i definitely look forward to this weekend.. my official last weekend with my lovely comfy sweet friends.. =)

Does Love Exist?

TP asked me this question.. does love exist in this world? of course, we can't include God in this topic coz its totally something else and we all know God loves us! ^^ okok.. back to the topic.. do we have a feeling of love towards someone? or do we have a sense of longing? does longing = love? coz u want someone to be there for u? u do something out of love for someone... because? this got me kinda confused and made me think for a moment.. and i can't come to a conclusion.. haha

today made me realise something.. that i have to let go.. of both that i was holding on to.. coz i think it's impossible.. and now, all the more i'll say it's impossible. i think i've done my part? coz i can only see from my point of view so i dont know where did i go wrong.. and it's not the first time either. im getting tired of this.. i'll just put this case to rest, close the file and tuck it away to collect dust.. i'll let go, and let God.. :)

A good break..

i must say that i had a good break during this CNY.. breaking away from work was really good. eventhough i just had 1 during christmas.. but breaks are always good, dontcha agree? =)

i actually met up with all my different group of friends! church, school, ex-colleague, college.. it's always good meeting up with people.. though sometimes i hate the awkward silences, it's still great to meet! oh wait.. didnt meet up with my candidate.. oh well.. im supposed to forget my candidateS anyways.. *shrugs shoulders* if only it was this simple!

back to work tomorrow and the next public holiday is in May! oh my... 3 months away!! i'll just have to comfort myself that tomorrow is wednesday instead of monday.. its a great feeling! :D

road trip to taiping was good! i was semangat in the morning while waiting for the chongs.. the journey in the car there was fun.. singing all the way. hehe.. first stop was Bidor to eat the duck feet herbal noodle thingy.. love the soup! and we accidentally bought yummy guava from a road side stall coz we were actually posing for a pic.. ahahaha.. next was the zoo.. i must say that it got better the more we walked in.. as in the animals got more interesting.. the weather didnt help though.. it was HOT! it got me sweaty and uncomfortable but i still liked the zoo..

lunch got us a little grumpy as so few shops were open! i think its coz of chap goh meh.. we finally ate char siew fan.. the drink i ordered was so so refreshing after wondering around in the hot sun! i think every person in taiping can tell that the 3 of us are tourists.. we jusr looked so touristy! small bag packs, shoes, camera, caps, sunglasses.. ahahaha.. doesnt it just scream tourist?!

museum was a disappointment.. saw exhibits of fake animals.. excuse me, we just saw real live moving animals 1 hour+ ago at the zoo? final stop was the lake garden.. the trees were so pretty! it just gives u a calm and peaceful feeling.. lied down on the grass for awhile before this ant crawled into my baju.. haha.. played chor dai di and sheryl won every game! grrrr.. decided to leave coz it started to drizzle and the car was quite a distance walk away.. took many pics at there though..

started to feel tired and sleepy while driving back.. sher and misaa helped me wake up and stay focused.. thanks gals..! =) rained really heavily too at 1 point and i prayed for a rainbow quietly in my heart.. guess what, a rainbow appeared! didnt get to see it coz i was driving.. *pouts* upon reaching kepong,i got really tired already till i missed the turning to from sg buloh to kepong.. thank God we found our way coz sher made the same wrong turn before too. reached home safely and was so exhausted.. lousy stamina indeed..

happy to have made the trip! though a short one, it was memorable.. looking forward to the next one and hope it'll be soon... though we will be apart.. =)

Taiping typing Taiping typing!

its been decided! our road trip will be to Taiping.. or at least i think so.. ahaha.. looking forward to this road trip and i really hope more ppl can join! the more the funner! i really miss the times we spent together.. i still think that the PD trip was the most memorable.. idk why but i just smile when i think of that trip.. imagine.. everyone was tired after christmas and some even didnt wanna go already! but it turned out to be a great trip! for me la at least.. :P so i hope and pray that this coming trip will be a good one.. one full of great memories with the people i oh so love.. =)

i cant help but rant here about this.. its my blog so i can write whatever i want right? im getting so frustrated with u! seriously.. are ur fingers so lazy to reply my msg? is it so hard to do so? or am i just like an irritating mosquito to u?! does this mean its total revenge mode on for you or this is the end? i so wanna treat u as a punching bag right now...and so i've decided..right at this moment! this is the end for me.. good bye.

??

i know my future's in Your hands
all of my hopes and dreams and plans
You gave me strength to live
and faith to succeed, i believe in You
because You believe in me..

whenever i think about my future, this song comes to mind.. what will my future be like? are my studies gonna be fine? can i do it? and after i complete it, what am i going to work as? i dont know what im good at still... so whenever i get these thoughts, i'll play this song in my head..

i committed this morning's drumming into God's hands.. i haven't practiced and i know i couldnt do it.. but before i stepped on stage, i just told God...'i havent been practicing and i dont think i can play well.. im sorry but i really need Your help.. i put my drumming into Your hands Lord.. Holy Spirit please help me'.. and He really did help! all glory be to God! =)

back to my emo-ness update and this was actually from some time ago... wakakakkaa... i was feeling kinda down at that time coz u didnt keep in contact with me..when you called the person beside me, i know u asked about me and how was i doing.. but you could just ask the person you called to pass the phone to me.... and u didnt! i was kinda hurt... i know that u needed some alone time with ur frens and i cant be tagging with u all the time.. but suddenly yesterday, i just found out something!!.. u did try to contact me during that time.. when i thought i wasnt on ur mind and u were probably so happy with ur frens, u actually did try to contact me.. and i just found out last night! and then it got me thinking, all that while, i didnt keep in touch with you either.. it was my pride and my previous hurts that prevented me from making that first step.. and now, at present, is that why you're not keeping in touch? coz u know that i cant be? it only lasted for that moment.. and after that, it's just a memory.. the past..

i should be living in the future right? pass is pass.. i'll have to look forwards in order to walk forwards.. God.. im so confused.. i know i cant always get what i want.. but from all the other people around me, looking at real life examples, i think it's just impossible.. it's too much to hope for.. it's just a dream.. anyways, i know You have wonderful plans for me.. and like Jon said, lets just walk where he leads us.. i'll be like a blade of grass in the field, and You'll be the strong yet calm wind that will blow me in the direction that You want me to go..Your thoughts are higher, Your ways are higher.. i should stop thinking too much and just go along with the Wind~

Back home! but going off again!

came back home today! ahhhh.. indeed there's no place like home! *big grin*.. u can relax, do whatever u want, walk around in ur towel.. home! but i'll be off to singapore again tomoro morning! this years' cny's theme can be 'travel'! it took us 9 and a half, almost 10 hours to get from KL to Kedah last saturday! told my mom we should leave on sunday but she didnt want to listen and i didnt want to argue with her..and so, we had to go thru that crazy jam! a new experience to encounter but i think it wasnt as bad as sitting in the plane! planes are uncomfortable for me.. maybe coz i always sit experience economy class? lols..oh well.. wait till i save up lots and i'll get myself into business class.. fuyoooo! ahaha..

i was let down yet again.. but i told myself, this is the last time.. and then, i'll move on and never look back..! i'll have to keep reminding myself that it's your lost and my gain.. ur at the losing end.. not me.. so jeannette, this is the last time and u have to get over it okay? *pats head* =)

is this goodbye?

i knew it was coming.. but suddenly yesterday, my mom told me it was so soon.. i was kinda shocked.. coz i know it will be soon but i didnt expect it to be THAT soon! i told her i wasnt ready! and she said 'didnt u expect already?' yes i expected, but u just suddenly tell me the dateline which is so soon! sighhh..

i love them all.. all the memories.. its just too many to close the chapter now.. i think we wont keep in touch like now.. right? look at the previous 'experiences'.. we arent so close already but i dont want that to happen.. coz i really feel the bond between us all..

in order to move forward, i think we have to take this step.. it's the only way.. it's a heavy step to take.. i dont know what will happen in between the first and second step.. all i can do is commit it to God..

coming back to the update of my candidate, 'X'... finally contacted me.. and i sengaja replied late! wakakakaka.. revenge is sweet! that resulted in X msging a few times.. blueks! i dont feel bad at all! but then suddenly, i saw that X went out with his ex... and that was after msging me! and X didnt reply my msg after that! i guess that was when they met up.. so i was just chucked to the side again.. like always.. therefore, im going into revenge mode again.. 'no reply' mode on! hah! talk to the hand baybeh!