Circle....

im going round in circles... why am i doing this to myself?.. sorry people who are reading my blog, that i dont post much things that are inspiring, encouraging and stuff.. deep down, this is who i am. a lost person. Listening to the song Empty, i agree... im just going to let it go. people say that before loving others, u have to love yourself.. do i? sometimes... i dont... can u imagine, someone doing nothing at home but is having so much troubles?...... haha... can i leave everything and go around the world? but i want to escape from people. but i studied to be in the service line. to serve/meet people. and im sick of them. but this is the only thing im good at. if i dont study this, what else am i good at? personal skills? zero..

family

my sister msged me today, asking that if im free, give her and call so we can chat.. honestly, i kept hesitating.. i dont know since when but i fear speaking on the phone with people.. to have a chat or talk about something.. business calls arent that bad coz customers being rude is expected.. but im afraid of that awkwardness when there reaches a point where there's nothing to say during a call.. that awkward silence where u dont know if u should end the call to end the awkwardness or continue on talking.. in the end.. i thought.. hey.. its my sister.. why am i avoiding?? so i took up the courage and called her.. and im so glad i did.. coz i really miss her.. =/ she said that from the tone of my voice, she knows something isnt right with me.. why am i so sad.. sighhh.. she says she feels bad.. before i actually dialed her number, i was already crying.. T_T

my family doesnt express how much we care for each other with words.. the words 'i miss u' or 'i love u' is just so difficult to utter.. even though i miss my mom or sis or bro, its just hard to say so.. but before ending the call, we said we missed each other.. amazing huh? haha..

its my mom's bday today.. somehow, im not in the mood.. sorry mom.. i dont know what to get her too.. she's really picky with clothes and shoes and bags. its useless if i buy something that she doesnt like.. cook? i did that last time.. what do i do now?

its not only me thats feeling down these days.. my good friend is feeling down too.. one day im comforting her, and the next, she's comforting me.. lol.. im not good with words to comfort people.. sorry.. i just know how to listen.. not give advise.. who am i to advise someone when i myself am not doing so well?

tired...

im tired of it.. im repeating it.. i cant help myself.. its involuntary.. i dont know what to do.. my friend is going thru it now.. i so wanna hug my friend and say that i know how u feel... what should i do God?? im really tired of it... just.. tired... really... tired... ... .. .

my birthday..

im still not asleep.. its 6.35am now... not because im so excited its my birthday.. its because of all the milk tea that i drank last night/this morning with my friends.. i dont blame them.. really! instead, i really had fun with them.. =) all started with aaron saying he was bored ( i dont blame him at all) so i called christine and she suggested going genting.. lol..tak jadi so in the end with beng huat too, we went to PJ, fetched melissa and went to wong kok.. i was in a good mood and was talkative and hyper.. since we could get this gigantic milk tea drink for free if we ordered rm30 and above, we played a game where losers have to drink half their glass.. the caffeine in the tea is whats making me typing my blog now.. trying to count from 1-100, trying to make myself relaxed enough to sleep only resulted till 1-30+.. tried so sing myself to sleep also tak jadi.. prayed for a long time and talked to God.. it was refreshing.. =) but i still cant sleep... seriously...

oh... the sky is getting brighter!! wow.. this is the first time im awake by myself till dawn... a birthday to remember indeed..

back to my story.. i actually felt kinda sick on the way back home.. i lost quite alot of times in the game, resulting in me drinking lots.. melissa and christine felt sick too!! when i reached home, the urge to vomit was really great.. honestly, vomiting would make me feel better! (i still feel uncomfortable now)...i felt a little shaky and dizzy too. i think its the effect of the caffeine.. after going to toilet and vomiting, i felt much better... melissa vomited too.. i felt kinda bad.. we got that drink for free coz its my bday.. so its partly...my fault?? T_T

wow.. its really bright now.. somehow, i feel kinda lonely this year.. maybe coz my brother and sister are not with me.. idk.. i feel grateful for my friends surprise last week and the fellowship last night.. but... i somehow feel abit lonely.. i dont really celebrate with my family.. just cutting the cake and no party whatsoever. but just the feeling that they are not here with me.. its somehow.. different.. and it left me thinking.. is this how the people who are the only child in their families feel?? wow.. its not a nice feeling.. haha..

supposed to go to market with mom at 8am.. its almost 7 now.. i was worried i couldnt wake up but now im not even asleep yet? LOL... anyways, i hope the YA Anniversary turns out good later.. =) we can plan but God is always in control.. :)

i can smell toast now from somewhere... after vomiting, i was feeling hungry.. stomach growling~ so whats for breakfast for the bday girl this morning? :D