thanks for the smile.. =)

i told myself that i'll start to post happier posts here.. but today wasnt so good.. one by one, things started to come in.. and everything's urgent! it came to a point where i couldnt think anymore.. i thought i could take it., i really thought i could. but i suddenly felt tears building up.. oh no! i cant let even 1 tear drop infront of my colleagues! and so i walked quickly to the toilet, but my good friend saw me and came to look for me after afew mins.. thanks for giving me some space.. =)

i kept telling myself, stop being a cry baby! grow up! i kept scolding myself as tears dripped onto the toilet floor..afew a few mins, i felt better and went back to office..told myself i just have to do what i can today and whichever is the most important.. so i went to the club floor and talked to the Club floor manager.. heard from him that he the HM asked him to shift since there was vacancy.. n we were talking casually while he was trying to help me with my problem.. i slowly felt at ease.. it was comfortable talking to him. i dont feel like i need to impress..eventhough he's a manager.. didnt feel uncomfortable like i do with some guys who are trying too much to get girls' attention.. i went back to the office with lighter footsteps.. =)

while driving home, my manager sent a msg to encourage me and advise me on what to do.. i smiled.. coz at least there's someone who's willing to help.. as i almost reached home, this someone who i thought forgot about me msged me.. and i smiled even wider.. =)

and suddenly, this thought came to me.. my heavenly Father must have been watching me.. and He saw what i was going thru.. even when i thought i was a cry baby who cant handle anything, He tried to make me smile.. a smile really can do wonders when ur down.. thank You God.. You are really so sweet and caring to me.. i appreciate You very much and i commit tomorrow to You Lord.. please hold my hand and lead the way for me.. =)

Panadol

today, i hit rock bottom.. was looking forward to a great day.. its friday anyway! but.. all thanks to my mouth and inability to control my feelings, i made the situation worse.. thank God for His strength for pulling me thru though..

from now on, i think all i'll do is swallow it down.. although i think it isnt my fault, although i think im right.. coz there's no point arguing with a bull when ur wearing red.. u'll end up being bashed up eventhough u were just innocently wearing a red tee.. therefore, what i learned from today is that i'll have to push down that bitter thing / feeling down my throat, and pray that it'll be the antidote to make me feel better.. like swallowing a panadol.. i'll just swallow this week down and come afresh next week.. oh God please help me.. i wanna cry just thinking of it.. i feel like i dont wanna work anymore.. am i that weak? how come others can endure it? i shouldt give up right?

so i'll just swallow u down..and i will rise again, on eagle's wings..

Cheerful? Give up?

last week, my goal was to be a more cheerful person.. and how am i doing so far? not bad i guess.. though i have to admit that this week has been kinda stressful for me.. especially yesterday.. it was the first time my director let out his anger on me.. and i was angry with him as well.. but somehow today, i feel bad about it.. even though i think im right, i still feel bad.. maybe my constant follow-up made him irritated.. i remember my sis once said i was annoying and irritating.. she once introduced me as her annoying sis to her frens.. and i'll never forget that.. and i came up with a conclusion that, i shouldnt be so honest.. i should talk less.. but some ppl already find me quiet.. but.. who cares what ppl think about me right? i am me.. jeannette..

who is jeannette..? what type of person is she? i honestly dont know and dont wanna know.. i sometimes look out the window and wish i can soar an an eagle's wings.. glide in the sky as i go higher and higher up.. the earth looking smaller and smaller as i look down.. where am i headed? i dont know.. but i dont wish to go back down.. am i headed towards my Saviour? i think so.. does He want me? most probably yes.. i'll never forget this dream that i had.. where i was soaring on an eagle's wing.. it was back when i was still in primary school? and yet, that scene is still stuck in my head... =)

i think i do handle stress better... but my mental durability is still weak as i get exhausted mentally kinda fast.. and i wish to improve my endurance.. i think im improving bit by bit.. today was okay till after lunch and by 4+, at one point, i didnt know what was i doing.. i just wanted to go home.. i still think my director dislikes me.. there goes my bonus eh? hahaha.. its in God's hands anyway.. my bonus, my future.. i did what i could.. even though sometimes, no wait.. i think most of the time, i think im not good enough.. but i'll still try to work harder..

im all of a sudden interested in piano again.. why did i stop last time? coz i had no interest? looking back, it was partially coz of my situation back then.. that's why i lost interest and loathed practicing the piano.. i cant turn back time now.. and i dont wanna go back to that time either! all i can do is learn again.. and try again.. although i feel im not improving in drums and feel kinda lame whenever i play, i shouldnt give up right? sometimes, i dont go up to the drums and practice coz i know im lousy.. but that shouldnt keep me from practicing right?

it takes determination to be cheerful and look on the bright side of things.. that's one of my goal.. thinking of going to work tomoro, i just wanna draw a big sigh, snuggle on my bed and not get up.. am i the only one that finds it so tough? oh God, i wish i can yumcha with u sometimes.. just me and U.. sipping hot chocolate, or yummy apple juice.. sitting on the grass, looking at the clouds.. and me telling U my insecurities, struggles.. im longing to hear Your voice and advice.. and feel Ur embrace.. coz i know U are the only one who knows me inside out.. coz i myself dont know who am i.. =)