Cheerful? Give up?

last week, my goal was to be a more cheerful person.. and how am i doing so far? not bad i guess.. though i have to admit that this week has been kinda stressful for me.. especially yesterday.. it was the first time my director let out his anger on me.. and i was angry with him as well.. but somehow today, i feel bad about it.. even though i think im right, i still feel bad.. maybe my constant follow-up made him irritated.. i remember my sis once said i was annoying and irritating.. she once introduced me as her annoying sis to her frens.. and i'll never forget that.. and i came up with a conclusion that, i shouldnt be so honest.. i should talk less.. but some ppl already find me quiet.. but.. who cares what ppl think about me right? i am me.. jeannette..

who is jeannette..? what type of person is she? i honestly dont know and dont wanna know.. i sometimes look out the window and wish i can soar an an eagle's wings.. glide in the sky as i go higher and higher up.. the earth looking smaller and smaller as i look down.. where am i headed? i dont know.. but i dont wish to go back down.. am i headed towards my Saviour? i think so.. does He want me? most probably yes.. i'll never forget this dream that i had.. where i was soaring on an eagle's wing.. it was back when i was still in primary school? and yet, that scene is still stuck in my head... =)

i think i do handle stress better... but my mental durability is still weak as i get exhausted mentally kinda fast.. and i wish to improve my endurance.. i think im improving bit by bit.. today was okay till after lunch and by 4+, at one point, i didnt know what was i doing.. i just wanted to go home.. i still think my director dislikes me.. there goes my bonus eh? hahaha.. its in God's hands anyway.. my bonus, my future.. i did what i could.. even though sometimes, no wait.. i think most of the time, i think im not good enough.. but i'll still try to work harder..

im all of a sudden interested in piano again.. why did i stop last time? coz i had no interest? looking back, it was partially coz of my situation back then.. that's why i lost interest and loathed practicing the piano.. i cant turn back time now.. and i dont wanna go back to that time either! all i can do is learn again.. and try again.. although i feel im not improving in drums and feel kinda lame whenever i play, i shouldnt give up right? sometimes, i dont go up to the drums and practice coz i know im lousy.. but that shouldnt keep me from practicing right?

it takes determination to be cheerful and look on the bright side of things.. that's one of my goal.. thinking of going to work tomoro, i just wanna draw a big sigh, snuggle on my bed and not get up.. am i the only one that finds it so tough? oh God, i wish i can yumcha with u sometimes.. just me and U.. sipping hot chocolate, or yummy apple juice.. sitting on the grass, looking at the clouds.. and me telling U my insecurities, struggles.. im longing to hear Your voice and advice.. and feel Ur embrace.. coz i know U are the only one who knows me inside out.. coz i myself dont know who am i.. =)