:)

here i go again posting abit-the-emo posts (referring to my previous post)... no no no! i must break this habit.. i just posted that post coz i thought it to be very true.. oh well.. cooked kimchi fried rice for dinner! it wasnt extraordinarily wonderfully amazingly yummy.. it did taste good though! :D i got a job in Parkroyal hotel as a sales coordinator. went out with mom yesterday to buy skirts.. i only had 2 formal/office wear skirts and my mom asked 'how to work 6 days a week with only 2 skirts'?

looking forward to the job.. why? coz i want the money!!!!!!!!! hahaha.. thats the sole reason why people work... right?? so no need to feel malu to admit it!! havent work also think of the money ady... =D and as usual, the not confident me had hundred and one things that i thought of could go wrong/get scolded by supervisors seniors/boss for... i seriously need a cure for this attitude of mine... ==''

i figured out that im rather impatient. and rude too.. it gets to me when i cant get things done.. cure!! where art thou??!! i need deliverance.. God! i seriously want to change this attitude of mine..

prepared the devotion for this sat. God, i pray that u help me as i share.. i need Your guidance.. =) i also need Your help for this sunday's Praise & Worship session. leading during YA and on sunday is really different. please be by my side, giving me and the rest of the team the confidence, wisdom and strength to serve U with all our hearts. Come Holy Spirit.. :)

expectations

They say you only get angry when you have certain expectations and those expectations are not fulfilled. So to be completely happy, do you need to have zero expectations? Because it is almost impossible to not be disappointed if you expect something out of people.

faith

went to City Harvest Church last saturday with our youth.. speaker : Pastor Phil Pringle.. he's a really well known Australian pastor.. the founder of C3 church. i initially got to hear about know him thru my bro..

we arrived late and had to sit at the upper level, riiiiiigghhhtt at the end.. it was considered good already coz i thought we might not even get in, considering the fact that we were late.. the worship was good, even though i didnt know any of the songs.. :D the place was packed to the max! us sitting shoulder to shoulder, ppl sitting on the floor, stairs... a packed church! its definitely a good sight! =D

the event progressed smoothly.. thats what i like... good preparation and coordination.. pastor phil shared bout faith.. its been a long time since i heard a youthful sermon like this.. lols.. what he preached triggered something in me.. it left me thinking if im like Thomas, the doubtful one.. the one that needs to see things happen in order to believe.. pastor phil also quoted a verse that says Jesus couldnt perform miracles in a town because there was lack of faith... its actually true.. if u go to a doctor, thinking u wont be healed, why go to the doctor in the first place? so is that why we dont see miracles happening? because of our lack of faith? and the testing of our faith creates perseverance in us. he ended the service with asking which of us want to put more faith in God, test our faith.. i hesitated.. u can say im kinda penakut.. coz its true..

and today, we went for a healing meeting thingy.. lots of ppl were healed from pain in their hands, knee, legs, etc... and im ashamed to say what came across my mind.. were they really healed? will the pain come back later? can so many ppl get healed at once? then it what pastor phil said struck me.. in order to have faith, u need to get rid of the negativity and doubt in ur mind.. u have to create an environment of faith for miracles to happen.. so.. i learned a lesson today.. isnt our God the God of the impossible?? where 20million ringgit is just found under ur car seat or hidden under that dusty carpet? we limit our Great and Almighty God too much.. shall we ask for bigger things? and have faith? so we can persevere?? =)

Circle....

im going round in circles... why am i doing this to myself?.. sorry people who are reading my blog, that i dont post much things that are inspiring, encouraging and stuff.. deep down, this is who i am. a lost person. Listening to the song Empty, i agree... im just going to let it go. people say that before loving others, u have to love yourself.. do i? sometimes... i dont... can u imagine, someone doing nothing at home but is having so much troubles?...... haha... can i leave everything and go around the world? but i want to escape from people. but i studied to be in the service line. to serve/meet people. and im sick of them. but this is the only thing im good at. if i dont study this, what else am i good at? personal skills? zero..

family

my sister msged me today, asking that if im free, give her and call so we can chat.. honestly, i kept hesitating.. i dont know since when but i fear speaking on the phone with people.. to have a chat or talk about something.. business calls arent that bad coz customers being rude is expected.. but im afraid of that awkwardness when there reaches a point where there's nothing to say during a call.. that awkward silence where u dont know if u should end the call to end the awkwardness or continue on talking.. in the end.. i thought.. hey.. its my sister.. why am i avoiding?? so i took up the courage and called her.. and im so glad i did.. coz i really miss her.. =/ she said that from the tone of my voice, she knows something isnt right with me.. why am i so sad.. sighhh.. she says she feels bad.. before i actually dialed her number, i was already crying.. T_T

my family doesnt express how much we care for each other with words.. the words 'i miss u' or 'i love u' is just so difficult to utter.. even though i miss my mom or sis or bro, its just hard to say so.. but before ending the call, we said we missed each other.. amazing huh? haha..

its my mom's bday today.. somehow, im not in the mood.. sorry mom.. i dont know what to get her too.. she's really picky with clothes and shoes and bags. its useless if i buy something that she doesnt like.. cook? i did that last time.. what do i do now?

its not only me thats feeling down these days.. my good friend is feeling down too.. one day im comforting her, and the next, she's comforting me.. lol.. im not good with words to comfort people.. sorry.. i just know how to listen.. not give advise.. who am i to advise someone when i myself am not doing so well?

tired...

im tired of it.. im repeating it.. i cant help myself.. its involuntary.. i dont know what to do.. my friend is going thru it now.. i so wanna hug my friend and say that i know how u feel... what should i do God?? im really tired of it... just.. tired... really... tired... ... .. .

my birthday..

im still not asleep.. its 6.35am now... not because im so excited its my birthday.. its because of all the milk tea that i drank last night/this morning with my friends.. i dont blame them.. really! instead, i really had fun with them.. =) all started with aaron saying he was bored ( i dont blame him at all) so i called christine and she suggested going genting.. lol..tak jadi so in the end with beng huat too, we went to PJ, fetched melissa and went to wong kok.. i was in a good mood and was talkative and hyper.. since we could get this gigantic milk tea drink for free if we ordered rm30 and above, we played a game where losers have to drink half their glass.. the caffeine in the tea is whats making me typing my blog now.. trying to count from 1-100, trying to make myself relaxed enough to sleep only resulted till 1-30+.. tried so sing myself to sleep also tak jadi.. prayed for a long time and talked to God.. it was refreshing.. =) but i still cant sleep... seriously...

oh... the sky is getting brighter!! wow.. this is the first time im awake by myself till dawn... a birthday to remember indeed..

back to my story.. i actually felt kinda sick on the way back home.. i lost quite alot of times in the game, resulting in me drinking lots.. melissa and christine felt sick too!! when i reached home, the urge to vomit was really great.. honestly, vomiting would make me feel better! (i still feel uncomfortable now)...i felt a little shaky and dizzy too. i think its the effect of the caffeine.. after going to toilet and vomiting, i felt much better... melissa vomited too.. i felt kinda bad.. we got that drink for free coz its my bday.. so its partly...my fault?? T_T

wow.. its really bright now.. somehow, i feel kinda lonely this year.. maybe coz my brother and sister are not with me.. idk.. i feel grateful for my friends surprise last week and the fellowship last night.. but... i somehow feel abit lonely.. i dont really celebrate with my family.. just cutting the cake and no party whatsoever. but just the feeling that they are not here with me.. its somehow.. different.. and it left me thinking.. is this how the people who are the only child in their families feel?? wow.. its not a nice feeling.. haha..

supposed to go to market with mom at 8am.. its almost 7 now.. i was worried i couldnt wake up but now im not even asleep yet? LOL... anyways, i hope the YA Anniversary turns out good later.. =) we can plan but God is always in control.. :)

i can smell toast now from somewhere... after vomiting, i was feeling hungry.. stomach growling~ so whats for breakfast for the bday girl this morning? :D

grrrr...

i cannot tahan doing nothing at home liao... ggrrrrrr... seriously.. its killing me!! i've been waiting for the call from my previous interview.. is it really not gonna come? been going out with my friends and my tabung is getting shallower by the week coz its just output and no input.. sobs!! its really frustrating... so much for putting my faith in God.. man.. i waver very fast right?? sorry God.. im really impatient... :"(

my sis is going to Johor soon.. my bro was the first to leave the house and embark on his independent journey after his spm.. then it was me who went for internship but im already back.. now its my sis's turn... sighhh... who is gonna jaga me when im sick?? who to kacau and irritate when im hyper? who to talk to at home? sighhh... sadnessssss....

.................

surprise..

God surprises me.. i went for an interview that i didnt think i'd get called for coz i felt as though there was no hope but suddenly on tuesday morning, there came this call asking me to go for the interview that very afternoon! imagine how i panicked! i wasnt even sure of how to get there! my kind mom teman-ed me there coz nerves+stressed+driving is definately not a good equation. searching for what to wear, my documents, what to say, what to expect... wow.. it was just crazy for that few hours.. the interview was okay.. okay+bad = ??.... idk.. its all in God's hands.. if He wants it for me, if its His will then i know He'll let me get the job. so i need not think so much and worry.. which leads to trusting and putting our faith in Him.. =)

i chatted with Sheryl recently and she shared testimonies with me.. i realised that God surprises us in situations.. when we meet a dead end, feeling hopeless and having no way to turn to, there is always God and the Holy Spirit with us..

should i dare myself to ask God to surprise me? surprise me with unexpected situations.. but being the coward and penakut that i am, i dont think i have that courage to utter that sentence to God.. well.. God knows me best.. my future is in his hands.. Surprise me? =)

Together-ness

I just realised that i didnt blog about my adventures in Korea.. omg.. how could i not do that? but then again, i think no one reads my blog already and i've already written an account of what happened everyday in my little note book that i carried while i was in Korea.. A small smile appears on my face everytime i think about that time i spent in Korea with Jane and how God was truly with me every step of the way.. (thanks everyone who prayed for me!). when we got lost and gained amazing opportunities that seemed impossible.. God was truly awesome! its as though it was just a dream.. thank u SO MUCH GOD! u know how much that meant to me just to be able to set foot in that land! =)

back to the reason of what i wanted to blog about.. the church retreat that was on Saturday - Sunday. honestly, i didnt expect anything from the retreat. yes, i prayed about it.. but deep down, i thought that we were just going to spend time there and come back home again. Aaron asked if i could help with the bbq dinner and i had to go buy the charcoals, starter, borrow the skewers and other bbq stuff. thanks to Melissa who provided most of the bbq stuff and Aaron who followed up with me to ensure everything was ok.

met in church on Saturday morning. left later than planned and Bentong was supposedly 1 hour away only. Aaron's friend Beng Huat came along for the retreat. i felt encouraged to see a new person in church these few weeks and him even coming for the retreat was a surprise. i kept in mind that i had to be friendly coz i know how it feels to be lonely and leftout among all these ppl that u dont know. Christine and I were in Aaron's car along with Beng Huat and off we went.

upon arriving at our destination, it was actually better than i expected. having been to prefect camps every year in school made me accustomed to the lousy toilets and bug infected beds. but this place was well maintained.. or is it because its new? idk.. the only problem was that the hall was really HOT! i can survive without aircon. really. the aircon in my house gets turned on like once in 1-2 months? so believe me when i say that it was hot. lol.

lunch was okay. was really hungry by that time coz breakfast was 3 oat crunch biscuits and 1 bun for me. shared cendol with Melissa after lunch at this shop that makes their own ice cream. not bad too. we headed back and was told that games were postponed coz there were still more ppl coming. played cards on the stage instead. Simon, Andrew and Beng Huat played with us too. it was fun playing with people u never played with and also fellowshipping with each other coz we YA-ians have not spent much time together for such a long time. it was good. =)

then came service time. there was some probs with the set up of the instruments. only 1 mike could be used. i wasnt really affected by that. before the preaching by AKF ended, Simon started the fire for the bbq without a starter. talk bout skill eh? the caretaker of the place then asked us not to bbq in the building's compound so we moved to the stairs. as the night grew deeper, we could not see what were we bbq-ing and we innovative ppl used torch lights. then it started to drizzle and our umbrellas went up. honestly, as i look back, it was much more fun with all the difficulties faced. everyone helped each other. it was fun. =)

cleared up the food and took a very refreshing bath.. felt so good after the bath since i was sweaty and smelly during the bbq.. had devotion led by aunty Linda in the girls dorm. it was a powerful session where in just those few minutes, i felt some ppl open up and give opinions on their thoughts. we grew about an inch closer? all glory to God! =) played games after that at on the stage in the hall again. i initially thought we'll play till 3-4am? but we lasted only till 1am+. i was a little bit disappointed but i think everyone was tired. going back to the dorm, my eyes were tired but my mind was still awake. how to sleep? plus the snoring. it was long before i got to sleep. then i was awaken 3 times by the baby boy crying/grumbling.

woke up with huge eye bags as i stare into the mirror to brush my teeth. not enough time to bathe. brief morning prayer which my group finished 1st. since breakfast had not arrived, decided to take a walk with Victoria. met with the transportation manager/breakfast delivery while on our walk. ate breakfast and was sleepy during service. sorry. couldnt help it. walked to the river for water baptism. happy for them. =) we then had a semi comp on skiding pebbles on water. mom was kinda good at it. haha. after lunch, it was time to pack and head home. afew of us went to the hot srpings and it was disappointing! the kolam looked dirty but we dipped our feet into the water anyway. haha.

went back home on this really winding road. i was in Aaron's car with Beng Huat, tigress, bow bear and another bear. didnt feel dizy at first and was chatting with them. was happy that i wasnt getting dizzy but it was short lived. a small lump started to build in my throat and my head was getting heavy. decided to sit back and close my eyes. few mins later, we joined the main highway. thank God! i really couldnt take the winding roads any longer! came back home and snuggled on my bed coz my head was really heavy and wasnt feeling that good. slept till 7pm.

as the title says, together-ness is really important. though we only spent 2days together, i felt that we grew a little closer. overcoming troubles, working together makes us unite and understand each other. i guess God did answer my prayer that it'll be a great time there and have an encounter with God. this experience proves that u can have fun in simple situations. no need to splurge a sum of money. all u need is great people and An Awesome Almighty God. =)

Your Will.. my Hope and Future..

after reading my previous post, i've realised that i've been down and depressed for quite some time now.. during YA yesterday, our dear Sheryl shared about sharing each others burden.. it left me thinking that we've not done that in a long while.. we might think that our problem is insignificant and there's no need to share it with each other.. but if its slowly eating us from the inside, stealing our joy and love for God, isnt that a serious matter?? i decided to share my problem right away with them.. i dont know what they think but i feel its a BIG hurdle for me.. the next vital step im gonna take..

this morning, my mood wasnt that good.. just out of the blue.. i seriously dont know why.. but after worship and listening to the preaching, i felt much better.. thank u God! =) AKF shared about God's will.. whether we consult him with what are we gonna do and whether the thing that we wanna do is what God wants and plans for us.. its not as easy as it sounds.. so.. i've decided after such an INCREDIBLY long time of walking around the bush, im just gonna leave it in God's hand and pray and ask God if its his will for my future.. talking with my friend, this idea suddenly popped out in my head.. i've never EVER thought of it before.. is it a sign?? or am i just thinking too much?? im so vulnerable.. i really dont wanna think and be depressed anymore.. im SICK of being DEPRESSED and CRYING about it.. just thinking about it brings a lump to my throat and makes my eyes watery...

i dont like my manja-fied voice.. makes me sound like a childish spoilt brat.. i'll have to remind myself to change my voice everytime i suddenly realise im talking like a small kid..

be positive girl.. coz what shows on the outside actually reflects what u are feeling on the inside... and im a HUGE mirror that reflects it.. so i'll have to be more careful and happy and win my stolen JOY back.. joy.. its actually a BIG word.. =)

still...

i've gone down the wrong path... made the wrong turn, and yet, u still love me, God.. when can i climb out of this hole that i dug myself into? not for years to come and its nobody's fault but mine.. the smile on my face is hard work and is the result of asking God for strength.. only God knows my heart... can i ask for a transplant? coz i think i could use a new one..

im still undecided on what to do after i come back from korea.. work? work where? study? study what?.. u may not understand but its not an easy choice for me.. or maybe i think too much.. i dont know...

sorry ppl around me if u feel i treat u badly.. i'll try my best to be the old Jeannette again... just yesterday, i felt like my old self again.. the cheerful one that encourages people, smiles and all.. but today, i feel all these troubles coming back to me... haunting me.. i really need God by my side, to hold my hand, stroke my hair and tell me its ok coz He'll never leave me nor forsake me... sighhhh.. so depressing...

what next??

i wanted to blog about my last days in Port Dickson doing my internship but i guess no one is interested in that other than myself so i'll just keep those memories to myself.. crazy and tiring but nevertheless, fun!..

on saturday after coming back from the orphanage, i was awaken from my nap by jane's call.. i groggily said hello and jane said 'jean...do u want to go to korea?!'... i was like...whaaa...whaatt??.. half of my brain was still in sleepland.. after repeating afew times and explaining to blur me that she's asking me if i want to go on a trip to korea with her in july... i was like.. O.o i've always wanted to go to korea! and japan! but japan is much more expensive and according to jane, this trip is cheaper than the normal price and its organised by the Korean Tourism Board.. after telling my mom and sis and thinking hard.. (not that hard i guess coz half of me wanted to go when she told me!), i agreed to go with her!! wohooooooooo!!~ korea baybeh!!

i then realised that i have to renew my passport and the date to pay the deposit was today (18th May).. jane and her father went down to the travel agency and helped me pay the deposit (thanks so much!!).. but after thinking of it, is it worth the money spent?? i mean, im still a student.. people my age are all serious about their future education and job.. but me? what am i doing?? flushing my money away to go on holiday?? sighhhhh.. but i really want to go... i've always wanted to travel.. i know if i didnt agree to go, i'll be thinking about it everyday and wishing that i could go...

i dont know what to study.. i dont know what job should i do.. im so aimless.. people have dreams and want to be something great and they strive for it.. but me? i feel so useless.. people ask me, how can i not have a dream?? didnt i plan for my future?? well.. i planned but its not as easy as it sounds... my plans are all not going to work out so i'll have to start with a new plan for my future but im just so stuck right now..

i've realised that my posts have all been kinda depressing lately... its been a long time since i've written a cheerful, happy post.. well, im just not happy and cheerful these days.. sorry to the people around me.. im supposed to be an example to people but i guess im a bad example.. today wasnt a very good day for me too.. choosing between right and wrong... the wrong way seems so fun and the right way seems so boring... like what God said.. the path to hell is a broad pathway but the path to righteousness is narrow.. its not 100% like whats written in the Bible but as long as i understand and u get the msg, thats what matters right?? hahaha.. im starting to think that is so true.. doing the right thing is sometimes so boring, lame and old-fashioned.. but i guess if u put God first, that is what that matters right??

clumsy

why am i so clumsy?? in the HR department for the 3rd week now and i think there is not a single day where i dont make a mistake.. seriously.. i dont know whats wrong with myself.. i really have to think over an instruction given to me, whether its just a simple one... i feel so blur and dumb... i think my supervisor will think im a dumb blond with black hair... sighhhh... i dont know what to do.. God help me.. im kinda depressed frequently... i need u God.. i need u... .... ..... ... ..

warm!

its so warm here in pd! the sun is being very generous with its energy!! i havent taken my lunch today and i've just been eating biscuits and bread since morning! this is the result of living away from ur family and the convenience of living in Kepong where there are so many places to buy food.. but even if i were in kepong, i wouldnt know what i want to eat when mom asks me... lalalalala...

wow.. 3 posts today! what an achievement after a VERY long time of not blogging! =)

running out of time

referring to my previous post's title, im actually supposed to write about this and not what happened last night..haha.. anyways.. i realise that my emotions can change really fast..

i realise that im running out of time.. but u dont seem to bother...i dont want to say it out coz i'll just look stupid in the end... this is the constant result that i get in this situation.. when will this ever end???.. im so tired and frustrated... how come it seems so easy for others??

i read my fren's blog and i get encouraged.. she doesnt seem to let her problems weigh her down while i carry my burden on my shoulders 24hours a day till the weight of it casts a frown on my face.. i've to be more positive... i've tried to... guess there's no choice but to continue to be positive?

i dont know...

yesterday was a real day of testing for me... i wasnt feeling well and we had to help out in this chinese banquet dinner by UOB bank.. since im in HR and yesterday was a Saturday, my frens and i had to work from 9am-1pm, then come back for the banquet at 3-11pm.. i just had to fall sick that morning and i knew that throughout the entire day, i needed God to hold my hand, give me strength and wisdom, put my faith in him and carry on with the show.. i indeed want to thank Him coz without His help, i would have been totally miserable..

wasnt feeling comfortable when my frens and i were walking back to the hotel for our afternoon shift.. felt like vomiting the entire time but it just couldnt come out. although i had no appetite to eat, i needed to eat so that i could vomit and sure enough after eating, i vomited... after that, i felt much better but weak.. how am i gonna serve the guests later?? with the heavy huge plates, bowls, walking down the stairs to the level below to collect each meal course.. the thought of it actually scared me... i really had no strength to do all that.. i didnt want to tell my frens that i felt weak coz i dont think they would believe me and perhaps thought im exegerating? only God and myself knew how i felt last night..

changing into our yellow uniforms and looking like Digi promoters, we went into the ballroom to set up the table settings and stuff.. the UOB group had a meeting in the ballroom before that and we had to do a turnover which results in rushing, managers and organizers anger flaring, shouting, running around and all the last minute stuff.. i was in charge of table no.8 which is near to the front.. my heart throbbed.. God help me!!

after setting up the tables, wiping cutlerys, standing at our designated table and hearing the manager saying that the doors can be opened, the guests all poured into the ballroom..my table were all uncles and 1 aunty.. 2 uncles who loved to drink and kept asking me to get ice for them, resulting in me constantly going to the bar counter to get ice and Seena asked me, 'ur guest is eating ice or what?'...LOL..

when i went to pick up the food for the first time, i went down the wrong stairs.. note: hotel staff cant use the hotels main walkway so we have to use the stairs, which there are 3 different stairs.. so, i opened the door and got confused for awhile.. at the end of the corridor, i saw the Head Chef and he smiled at me and pointed me the right way.. i laughed.. and blushed at my clumsy silly self? lol..

the dinner was really loud and the people were all over the place.. they just wouldnt sit at their own table and kept yam-seng-ing... there were constant performances and people were all crowding around to watch which made our serving and walking difficult.. the night ended with the banquet manager calling us to a seperate meeting room, scolded the part-timers for their lousy job done and allowed us to go back home.. it was 11.30pm+.. my frens and i were hungry so we went to PD town at a small and lonely mamak stall and ate maggie goreng.. reached back home at 1.30am+, bathe and crawled into bed..

if i were to describe how was every course of the meal, it would be a very very long post..just note one thing..those huge plates dont only look heavy, they really are heavy.. and serving a table where the people are talking to each other and not welcoming this waitress who cuts their conversation just to serve them and do her job is not easy.. Thank God for his help because halfway thru, i just wanted to go to the locker room , crouch on the floor and wish i wasnt sick and wont get this type of sickness everytime..