down

i suddenly feel down.. i dunno y. i was fine the whole day up till now.. was reading a few of my secondary skool frens blog.. i realise tat they really r enjoying college or watever they r doing now n still hang out with each other.. having nice clothes, hanging out with all the 'cool' ppl at some cool restaurants.. sigh.. as for me, im at this tiny boring college tat no1 has ever heard of n we wear uniform 2 class n my batch has only 7 ppl! im not saying my coll frens r not nice.. they r nice.. i appreciate having them as my frens, but sometimes, its hard 2 express wat i feel with them coz 1st of all, most of them speak mandarin n my mandarin sucks.. sometimes, i wanna share a joke or tell them something, but i juz cant put it in words.. they ask me, 'y so quiet?'.. n i juz smile.. wat else can i say? feel really out of place sometimes..

im not the type who can pretend tat everything is alright eventhough i try to.. people can c thru me as though im the clearest piece of glass.. my face, my actions, body language all reflects wat im thinking n feeling.. i guess tats my weakness..

i also feel i hav really changed since sec. skool.. when i look back, i feel like i was this naive n stupid person who follow watever ppl say n help those who needs help even if they wanna take advantage of my stupidity.. but now, i feel im not tat nice little girl tat ppl can fool around or laugh behind their backs about.. my words r more piercing, actions nastier n ppl gossip bout me even in front of me.. im gonna hav the 'who cares' n 'watever' attitide.. as long as i know my actions r rite n im not disobeying God, i dont care wat ppl will say about me.. we cant try 2 make everyone happy.. ppl r bound 2 hate u coz u r doing the rite thing n u confront them when u feel there is a misunderstanding.. if everyone likes u, there is definitely sumthing wrong.. either u r 2 face, or u r a seriously professional backstabber..

i really thank God i hav a wonderful family n an amazing extended family, YA youth.. i feel these 2 groups r the only ppl i can really b myself... the childish, annoying, crapy, irritating self.. mayb they cant stand me as well? who knows.. i really dont wanna wallow in self pitty here.. since this is a diary, i juz wanna express wat i currently feel.. im supposed 2 prepare for YA sharing 2moro which i still hav not done.. sigh.. feel really bad about it.. well, i should sleep soon n wake up 'early' 2moro 2 finish up on the topic im sharing.. only God can help me with my probs.. He is the only one who can understand me n love me eventhough i frequently get on His nerves.. He is never sick of me.. i sumtimes feel i dont deserve this love.. the great price He paid 4 my life.. ashamed to show my face after the many things i have done wrong n still come 2 ask for help when i hav no way out of this deep deep hole i hav fallen into.. u r the only 1 i can trust..

these songs came to me as im writting.. i juz remembered these 2 songs..

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~ 1. Heart of worship ~

when the music fades,
n all is striped away,
n i simply come,
longing juz 2 bring, something tats of worth,
tat will bless ur heart,
i'll bring u more than a song, for a song in itself,
its not wat u have required,
u search much deeper within, thru the way things appear,
ur looking into my heart....

im coming back 2 a heart of worship,
when its all about u, when its all about u, Jesus,
im sorry Lord 4 the things i've made it,
when its all about u, when its all about u,
Jesus.

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~ 2. Mighty to save ~

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.
Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)