Woher?

reading my last post, it was the beginning of something in my life.. i cant believe that that beginning of something has already ended now. things change. i still cant believe it. it was my choice. and i have to accept the consequences.. hurt.. pain.. bruised self confidence.. rejection.. i'll just have to swallow it down.. i noticed that i've changed.. my character.. im not so caring anymore. and a tinge rude too.. i guess the saying of what u are feeling inside gets reflected outside is true. i dont like who i am right now. i am at a phase of life that i dont know where im at. looking at other people's lives, they have it all together. their work, studies, future, family, relationships.. when i look at myself, i dont see anything at all. how come gays are so happy together? how come the act of doing something can result in happiness? im trying to get over my situation right now. people advised me to get over it as soon as possible. i agree with them.. i thought i was over it. but im not. i dont wanna tell anyone that im not over it. coz all they can say is get over it. im trying so hard.. i cant turn back time and change things. i only have God and myself in this battle. met a guy last night. he was really charismatic, funny and has amazing self confidence.. and he's gay.. more and more guys that i know are gay.. it's just such a waste.. why? i always ask this question when i meet a gay guy.. why? *writen on 17 Sept 2012*

Wilderness

I'm tired.. i want to get to Heaven.. where there is no pain nor tears.. i dont wanna feel hurt anymore.. or i just wanna go somewhere that i can disappear.. i dont wanna study.. i dont wanna work.. i dont wanna do anything.. sick of everything.. i know God is with me.. i know He loves me.. but im just so tired of going thru situations Lord.. of living life.. of doing what im doing everyday.. what's my purpose? why am i born? i wait for Sunday everytime.. the moment when i can be in God's presence, where all my worries fade away.. but the moment i step back into the real world, these feelings come back.. i want to reflect God's love to others.. i wanna be an example of God's child to others. but with me being like this, how am i going to do it Lord? i just want to get into my car.. and drive on a road that never ends.. just keep on driving till the day im supposed to go back to be with my Heavenly Father.. Wondering around in the wilderness of my life.. where is the path that leads me out? i wanna find it soon.. coz im too tired already.. too tired..

What do i do?

if she can do it, why cant i? should i escape before it goes deeper? this has been bugging me. i totally did not expect this to come. what do i do Lord? is this a test from You? to see how much i love You? my heart is so troubled Lord.. so troubled.

came back home late yesterday at around 2am+.. so long since i lepak till late but good thing mommy was busy with her husband so she didnt really question me. was on the welcome team today replacing joanne ho. i must say im disappointed with myself coz i think i could have done better. if only i wasnt that sleepy. i found it tough serving in a place u arent familiar with and i wasnt sure what was their system too. well, there's always a first time for everything right? felt kinda useless standing there doing nothing.. >.<

after service, i told victor that he can put me up for welcome team if he has any kekosongan or require last min replacements.. then he said 'only for kekosongan? u dont want to be a regular?'.. so i said okay.. put me on regularly.. so there you go.. im on the welcome team now. =) some were kinda surprised as i spoke to them that i've only attended this church for 1 month plus. i like to serve and i miss being a part of the worship team. i dont know what God has in store for me in this new place.

today, ps mark preached about building a culture. culture is something that comes naturally out of being accustomed with something. lets build a kingdom culture.. how? by being consistent and unshakeable. being consistent is by doing it everyday, day and night. how do we do it everyday, day and night? by having an unshakeable cause. lets be the process. not the project. process is on going whereas a project has a beginning and an end. God, i pray for Your strength to be upon me to be a lighthouse in my place of work.. before i quit, i wanna witness to my colleagues. i feel that time is running out. help me God.

Attention & Acceptance

believe it or not, this is what everyone seeks.. attention from God, ur parents, siblings, friends, boss, colleagues, that person.. was a lil quiet at work today and it was what i noticed today.. this girl trying hard to get the attention of this guy. this guy trying to show how cool is he to this girl.. i dont deny that i too seek attention at times, but, it gets really tiring..

1 hour ago i was smiling to myself, and now, im already feeling down.. how fast can someone's emotions change? its simply amazing.. each time i tell myself no, its just my brain speaking but my heart and fingers dont listen.

didnt go to church yesterday coz i wasnt feeling good since saturday.. the weekend felt strange coz there was no church.. woke up today wondering what day was it.. its so hard for me to fit into this new environment, the new church.. they are just a totally different bunch of people.. i just want to give up sometimes.. being a visitor and a regular are 2 totally different things.. a visitor just looks at the surface.. whereas the regular is a part of the team.. involved in the inside story.

this is nothing right? its not even a problem.. i shouldnt be burdened by this.. its not like im bankrupt or dont have a house to stay in or have no money for food.. its just acceptance.. i want to feel accepted.. part of the team.. thats a really important feeling to have for a newbie..

update

wow.. its been a month since i last posted something? haha.. oppss.. well, there is a reason.. its coz i was preoccupied with something.. a change in my life which i tried really hard to accept.. i had no one to share my thoughts with.. only God.. and i didnt really talk to Him either.. coz i was thinking that it's something i must accept coz its for the happiness of others so no use talking.. till i talked to my cousin, i found out that i dont even know what i was feeling.. till someone called me to talk, that i broke down.. cried on the phone.. haha.. i had been keeping it in. till someone who cared just asked me.. 'so how are u'? and that left me crying for 1 minute, unable to talk.

it got my mind off the candidates for awhile.. but after this phase was over, the thoughts of the candidates came back.. but i think im finally over them.. but new prob has risen. i dont think it'll go anywhere so i should just shove it aside and be myself..

and oh, i went for my friend's wedding! long story.. u dont know how much effort was it just to get my clothes and how much i spent! goshh.. i dont wanna think about that but overall, it was a good night. wished to lepak after the wedding but no one to lepak with.. 1 group has another group of frens.. 1 group loves clubbing.. 1 group stays too far away.. 1 group im no longer that close with.. so? should i find a new group? haha..

i dont know why but i find that i cant focus these days.. dont know how to explain. but im feeling better la nowadays. this friday got Connect Group meeting.. and im undecided.. to join my cousin's Connect Group or join this other lady that invited me to her group.. i know my cousin wants me to join his and i sensed the disappointment when i told him bout the other group.. but, since i dont know them, i should find the group that im more comfortable with right? wait.. i dont know anyone.. thats scary.. reminda me of australia.. oh no... not good.. oh well, i'll just take it positively and look forward to a great weekend! :D

close... change..

today was good. i had a great time worshiping God today.. standing there in His presence.. i felt God speak to me to find rest in Him.. to spend more time with Him.. tears cascaded down my cheeks.. i always try to hold back my tears, but when u are touched by Him, i guess u cant help it.. =)

i went to church with a different feeling today.. not as a visitor.. coz i know this is where i'll call my 'home' from now on.. and it felt different.. i had to start over. finding new friends.. my new group. and they are a totally different circle of people. i felt inferior inside me. they all look so cool, fashionable, so pro in the things they do.. and i felt so small.. i told myself to shake off this feeling. this is the decision that i've made and it's the right step.. coz i feel this is where i can grow..closer to God.. its hard to accept change as im so used to my previous circle.. the place i grew up with since i was a small lil girl..

and of course, i missed them.. chongs, ong and lee.. the only group where i can really be myself where i tak payah jaga image. where i can be..yes.. be my manja annoying self.. i guess they have accepted that side of me? i hope so! haha.. so many memories.. the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the shy shy, the embarrassing, the crazy, the lame, the jamming sessions and impromptu song compositions. we'll still get to see each other of course.. but i dont want to have that foreign feeling.. i want to be like 'hi!!'... not 'errr...hi..... dot dot dottt'... i guess it takes effort? and im not really the keep in toucher type of person..

work has taken a turn.. boss decided to change the people we will be assisting.. i'll just commit it to God coz there's nothing i can do about it.. our staff party, or 'dinner and dance' that they call is coming up again.. i dont really look forward to it.. coz i cant really dance.. and i cant be crazy among my colleagues. i just dont know why! i tried to last year.. and even forced myself to drink beer just to loosen up.. but, i just couldnt.. =/

anyways, tomoro is a brand new week. new challenges to tackle. new situations to handle.. things to follow up.. i can do it.. right God? and i definitely look forward to this weekend.. my official last weekend with my lovely comfy sweet friends.. =)

Does Love Exist?

TP asked me this question.. does love exist in this world? of course, we can't include God in this topic coz its totally something else and we all know God loves us! ^^ okok.. back to the topic.. do we have a feeling of love towards someone? or do we have a sense of longing? does longing = love? coz u want someone to be there for u? u do something out of love for someone... because? this got me kinda confused and made me think for a moment.. and i can't come to a conclusion.. haha

today made me realise something.. that i have to let go.. of both that i was holding on to.. coz i think it's impossible.. and now, all the more i'll say it's impossible. i think i've done my part? coz i can only see from my point of view so i dont know where did i go wrong.. and it's not the first time either. im getting tired of this.. i'll just put this case to rest, close the file and tuck it away to collect dust.. i'll let go, and let God.. :)

A good break..

i must say that i had a good break during this CNY.. breaking away from work was really good. eventhough i just had 1 during christmas.. but breaks are always good, dontcha agree? =)

i actually met up with all my different group of friends! church, school, ex-colleague, college.. it's always good meeting up with people.. though sometimes i hate the awkward silences, it's still great to meet! oh wait.. didnt meet up with my candidate.. oh well.. im supposed to forget my candidateS anyways.. *shrugs shoulders* if only it was this simple!

back to work tomorrow and the next public holiday is in May! oh my... 3 months away!! i'll just have to comfort myself that tomorrow is wednesday instead of monday.. its a great feeling! :D

road trip to taiping was good! i was semangat in the morning while waiting for the chongs.. the journey in the car there was fun.. singing all the way. hehe.. first stop was Bidor to eat the duck feet herbal noodle thingy.. love the soup! and we accidentally bought yummy guava from a road side stall coz we were actually posing for a pic.. ahahaha.. next was the zoo.. i must say that it got better the more we walked in.. as in the animals got more interesting.. the weather didnt help though.. it was HOT! it got me sweaty and uncomfortable but i still liked the zoo..

lunch got us a little grumpy as so few shops were open! i think its coz of chap goh meh.. we finally ate char siew fan.. the drink i ordered was so so refreshing after wondering around in the hot sun! i think every person in taiping can tell that the 3 of us are tourists.. we jusr looked so touristy! small bag packs, shoes, camera, caps, sunglasses.. ahahaha.. doesnt it just scream tourist?!

museum was a disappointment.. saw exhibits of fake animals.. excuse me, we just saw real live moving animals 1 hour+ ago at the zoo? final stop was the lake garden.. the trees were so pretty! it just gives u a calm and peaceful feeling.. lied down on the grass for awhile before this ant crawled into my baju.. haha.. played chor dai di and sheryl won every game! grrrr.. decided to leave coz it started to drizzle and the car was quite a distance walk away.. took many pics at there though..

started to feel tired and sleepy while driving back.. sher and misaa helped me wake up and stay focused.. thanks gals..! =) rained really heavily too at 1 point and i prayed for a rainbow quietly in my heart.. guess what, a rainbow appeared! didnt get to see it coz i was driving.. *pouts* upon reaching kepong,i got really tired already till i missed the turning to from sg buloh to kepong.. thank God we found our way coz sher made the same wrong turn before too. reached home safely and was so exhausted.. lousy stamina indeed..

happy to have made the trip! though a short one, it was memorable.. looking forward to the next one and hope it'll be soon... though we will be apart.. =)

Taiping typing Taiping typing!

its been decided! our road trip will be to Taiping.. or at least i think so.. ahaha.. looking forward to this road trip and i really hope more ppl can join! the more the funner! i really miss the times we spent together.. i still think that the PD trip was the most memorable.. idk why but i just smile when i think of that trip.. imagine.. everyone was tired after christmas and some even didnt wanna go already! but it turned out to be a great trip! for me la at least.. :P so i hope and pray that this coming trip will be a good one.. one full of great memories with the people i oh so love.. =)

i cant help but rant here about this.. its my blog so i can write whatever i want right? im getting so frustrated with u! seriously.. are ur fingers so lazy to reply my msg? is it so hard to do so? or am i just like an irritating mosquito to u?! does this mean its total revenge mode on for you or this is the end? i so wanna treat u as a punching bag right now...and so i've decided..right at this moment! this is the end for me.. good bye.

??

i know my future's in Your hands
all of my hopes and dreams and plans
You gave me strength to live
and faith to succeed, i believe in You
because You believe in me..

whenever i think about my future, this song comes to mind.. what will my future be like? are my studies gonna be fine? can i do it? and after i complete it, what am i going to work as? i dont know what im good at still... so whenever i get these thoughts, i'll play this song in my head..

i committed this morning's drumming into God's hands.. i haven't practiced and i know i couldnt do it.. but before i stepped on stage, i just told God...'i havent been practicing and i dont think i can play well.. im sorry but i really need Your help.. i put my drumming into Your hands Lord.. Holy Spirit please help me'.. and He really did help! all glory be to God! =)

back to my emo-ness update and this was actually from some time ago... wakakakkaa... i was feeling kinda down at that time coz u didnt keep in contact with me..when you called the person beside me, i know u asked about me and how was i doing.. but you could just ask the person you called to pass the phone to me.... and u didnt! i was kinda hurt... i know that u needed some alone time with ur frens and i cant be tagging with u all the time.. but suddenly yesterday, i just found out something!!.. u did try to contact me during that time.. when i thought i wasnt on ur mind and u were probably so happy with ur frens, u actually did try to contact me.. and i just found out last night! and then it got me thinking, all that while, i didnt keep in touch with you either.. it was my pride and my previous hurts that prevented me from making that first step.. and now, at present, is that why you're not keeping in touch? coz u know that i cant be? it only lasted for that moment.. and after that, it's just a memory.. the past..

i should be living in the future right? pass is pass.. i'll have to look forwards in order to walk forwards.. God.. im so confused.. i know i cant always get what i want.. but from all the other people around me, looking at real life examples, i think it's just impossible.. it's too much to hope for.. it's just a dream.. anyways, i know You have wonderful plans for me.. and like Jon said, lets just walk where he leads us.. i'll be like a blade of grass in the field, and You'll be the strong yet calm wind that will blow me in the direction that You want me to go..Your thoughts are higher, Your ways are higher.. i should stop thinking too much and just go along with the Wind~

Back home! but going off again!

came back home today! ahhhh.. indeed there's no place like home! *big grin*.. u can relax, do whatever u want, walk around in ur towel.. home! but i'll be off to singapore again tomoro morning! this years' cny's theme can be 'travel'! it took us 9 and a half, almost 10 hours to get from KL to Kedah last saturday! told my mom we should leave on sunday but she didnt want to listen and i didnt want to argue with her..and so, we had to go thru that crazy jam! a new experience to encounter but i think it wasnt as bad as sitting in the plane! planes are uncomfortable for me.. maybe coz i always sit experience economy class? lols..oh well.. wait till i save up lots and i'll get myself into business class.. fuyoooo! ahaha..

i was let down yet again.. but i told myself, this is the last time.. and then, i'll move on and never look back..! i'll have to keep reminding myself that it's your lost and my gain.. ur at the losing end.. not me.. so jeannette, this is the last time and u have to get over it okay? *pats head* =)

is this goodbye?

i knew it was coming.. but suddenly yesterday, my mom told me it was so soon.. i was kinda shocked.. coz i know it will be soon but i didnt expect it to be THAT soon! i told her i wasnt ready! and she said 'didnt u expect already?' yes i expected, but u just suddenly tell me the dateline which is so soon! sighhh..

i love them all.. all the memories.. its just too many to close the chapter now.. i think we wont keep in touch like now.. right? look at the previous 'experiences'.. we arent so close already but i dont want that to happen.. coz i really feel the bond between us all..

in order to move forward, i think we have to take this step.. it's the only way.. it's a heavy step to take.. i dont know what will happen in between the first and second step.. all i can do is commit it to God..

coming back to the update of my candidate, 'X'... finally contacted me.. and i sengaja replied late! wakakakaka.. revenge is sweet! that resulted in X msging a few times.. blueks! i dont feel bad at all! but then suddenly, i saw that X went out with his ex... and that was after msging me! and X didnt reply my msg after that! i guess that was when they met up.. so i was just chucked to the side again.. like always.. therefore, im going into revenge mode again.. 'no reply' mode on! hah! talk to the hand baybeh!

Exposed!

i feel so exposed! the cat is let out of the bag! and the cat isnt able to go back in... but somehow, i feel relieved.. i dont have to hide anymore.. i can be open! but still, i dont think it's gonna work.. im just glad that i can now let out what im thinking and feeling.. =) i think this phase will last for a short time and in a few weeks time, i'll be back to normal.. the hunter.. kekeke.. :P

smile more =)

thats what i heard from my mom and someone else.. i guess i dont have a friendly pleasant face unless i smile?

'how come ur happy all the time?'.. i asked.. 'trust me, it's not easy but it's better being happy than sad all the time'.. that answer is very true.. which im trying my best to do..

take it easy and remember to smile.. thats what i should do! i'll make everything thing seem alright and create a more cheerful atmosphere to the ppl around me.. thats what i'll do!

i tried not to bring this up and wanted to make this a happy post but i just wanna get it off my chest.. if u wanna meet someone, if u are eager, u would ask that someone right? so... if ur not interested, i'll slowly try to loose interest as well.. it's u that is at the loosing end coz im jeannette, the awesomest girl ever! =)

seek Him

i think i started 2012 on a wrong note.. what is Jeannette becoming into? this thought suddenly came to me as i was walking in pasar malam just now.. i dont think what i did was pleasing in God's sight.. im His ambassador here on earth.. did i do it to get recognition from my friends? to feel accepted? i think so.. i dont think the old me would have done that.. or am i more grown up now and just simply naive and boring last time? what is right and what is wrong? i really dont know.. who do i turn to to ask what to do?

i was thinking of what Christine shared for YA. 'seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you..' am i doing what is right according to Him? as i was in church today, i suddenly felt so far away from God.. what does He want me to do with my life this year? what does He want me to accomplish?

timing.. i think this is a very difficult thing for me.. the right timing.. im so so impatient. but i think my Heavenly Father knows whats best for me, and has reserved every good thing for me. right God? i dont know whats Your plan, but i think i need to hold Your hand and guide me down this path. i havent gotten my life planned out like some ppl. im just taking it one step at a time..

im so jealous.. but some people told me not to be.. but i am.. i'll try not to be. (:

catch me if u can/want

i got strength from posting that previous post.. i have to heal my blisters by leaving it open.. which was what i really did to my real blisters.. haha.. i guess im a person that lets out my feelings by typing/writing it out.. it makes me feel better.. =)

now im back home.. back to my life.. this is my life.. the crazy traffic i have to endure.. the ppl at work.. the crazy clients.. my family.. my friends.. it's reality.. the previous week was a break from my crazy life.. the life that i just couldnt stand and earnestly needed a break.. and it felt good for a moment.. leaving everything behind.. i guess u cant get the best of both worlds? u just have to pick one..

and now, im gaining strength after letting this out, to say to u, catch me if u can/want.. (:

Im Back / It's a phase

im back from my holiday!! woooootssss!! i have so many stories but i think it'll take afew hours to write it all down..all in all, flying alone wasnt that scary after all.. but getting lost in another country is! is that what im good at? i got lost in korea and singapore! and now, australia gets added to that list.. hahaha..

i was feeling kinda sad in the beginning of the trip coz i just couldnt fit in.. i wanted to go home and started to miss my friends..that comfort of familiarity.. i prayed for strength and it eventually got better.. God was indeed watching over me. Thanks God.. high 5!

on my last night there, i was feeling down but he told me not to feel so sad..'it's just a phase', he said.. i got hurt by that comment.. a phase? is that all u can say? ouchhh.. and i fell silent.. he tried to cheer me up.. he really did.. i tried to cheer up to make him feel better..

and im back home now. it was hard to adjust back to our lifestyle here/food/weather/time/people and i had to do it in 1 and a half days.. i guess i did alright adjusting back.. and although work was annoyingly irritating today, where some ppl didnt do what the work i handed over to them, and just waited almost 2 freakin weeks for me to come back and do it, i think i did okay today.. =)

i was in so much anticipation coming back home today.. was thinking about it the entire day and even smiled to myself.. now i feel so stupid.. im going down that road again.. and now, i agree with u.. i'll painfully blurt out, 'its a phase'.. its a phase that stays there and gets left behind.. coz its impossible..what about the saying 'nothing is impossible'? nahhh.. in this case, it is.... impossible =)