thanks for the smile.. =)

i told myself that i'll start to post happier posts here.. but today wasnt so good.. one by one, things started to come in.. and everything's urgent! it came to a point where i couldnt think anymore.. i thought i could take it., i really thought i could. but i suddenly felt tears building up.. oh no! i cant let even 1 tear drop infront of my colleagues! and so i walked quickly to the toilet, but my good friend saw me and came to look for me after afew mins.. thanks for giving me some space.. =)

i kept telling myself, stop being a cry baby! grow up! i kept scolding myself as tears dripped onto the toilet floor..afew a few mins, i felt better and went back to office..told myself i just have to do what i can today and whichever is the most important.. so i went to the club floor and talked to the Club floor manager.. heard from him that he the HM asked him to shift since there was vacancy.. n we were talking casually while he was trying to help me with my problem.. i slowly felt at ease.. it was comfortable talking to him. i dont feel like i need to impress..eventhough he's a manager.. didnt feel uncomfortable like i do with some guys who are trying too much to get girls' attention.. i went back to the office with lighter footsteps.. =)

while driving home, my manager sent a msg to encourage me and advise me on what to do.. i smiled.. coz at least there's someone who's willing to help.. as i almost reached home, this someone who i thought forgot about me msged me.. and i smiled even wider.. =)

and suddenly, this thought came to me.. my heavenly Father must have been watching me.. and He saw what i was going thru.. even when i thought i was a cry baby who cant handle anything, He tried to make me smile.. a smile really can do wonders when ur down.. thank You God.. You are really so sweet and caring to me.. i appreciate You very much and i commit tomorrow to You Lord.. please hold my hand and lead the way for me.. =)

Panadol

today, i hit rock bottom.. was looking forward to a great day.. its friday anyway! but.. all thanks to my mouth and inability to control my feelings, i made the situation worse.. thank God for His strength for pulling me thru though..

from now on, i think all i'll do is swallow it down.. although i think it isnt my fault, although i think im right.. coz there's no point arguing with a bull when ur wearing red.. u'll end up being bashed up eventhough u were just innocently wearing a red tee.. therefore, what i learned from today is that i'll have to push down that bitter thing / feeling down my throat, and pray that it'll be the antidote to make me feel better.. like swallowing a panadol.. i'll just swallow this week down and come afresh next week.. oh God please help me.. i wanna cry just thinking of it.. i feel like i dont wanna work anymore.. am i that weak? how come others can endure it? i shouldt give up right?

so i'll just swallow u down..and i will rise again, on eagle's wings..

Cheerful? Give up?

last week, my goal was to be a more cheerful person.. and how am i doing so far? not bad i guess.. though i have to admit that this week has been kinda stressful for me.. especially yesterday.. it was the first time my director let out his anger on me.. and i was angry with him as well.. but somehow today, i feel bad about it.. even though i think im right, i still feel bad.. maybe my constant follow-up made him irritated.. i remember my sis once said i was annoying and irritating.. she once introduced me as her annoying sis to her frens.. and i'll never forget that.. and i came up with a conclusion that, i shouldnt be so honest.. i should talk less.. but some ppl already find me quiet.. but.. who cares what ppl think about me right? i am me.. jeannette..

who is jeannette..? what type of person is she? i honestly dont know and dont wanna know.. i sometimes look out the window and wish i can soar an an eagle's wings.. glide in the sky as i go higher and higher up.. the earth looking smaller and smaller as i look down.. where am i headed? i dont know.. but i dont wish to go back down.. am i headed towards my Saviour? i think so.. does He want me? most probably yes.. i'll never forget this dream that i had.. where i was soaring on an eagle's wing.. it was back when i was still in primary school? and yet, that scene is still stuck in my head... =)

i think i do handle stress better... but my mental durability is still weak as i get exhausted mentally kinda fast.. and i wish to improve my endurance.. i think im improving bit by bit.. today was okay till after lunch and by 4+, at one point, i didnt know what was i doing.. i just wanted to go home.. i still think my director dislikes me.. there goes my bonus eh? hahaha.. its in God's hands anyway.. my bonus, my future.. i did what i could.. even though sometimes, no wait.. i think most of the time, i think im not good enough.. but i'll still try to work harder..

im all of a sudden interested in piano again.. why did i stop last time? coz i had no interest? looking back, it was partially coz of my situation back then.. that's why i lost interest and loathed practicing the piano.. i cant turn back time now.. and i dont wanna go back to that time either! all i can do is learn again.. and try again.. although i feel im not improving in drums and feel kinda lame whenever i play, i shouldnt give up right? sometimes, i dont go up to the drums and practice coz i know im lousy.. but that shouldnt keep me from practicing right?

it takes determination to be cheerful and look on the bright side of things.. that's one of my goal.. thinking of going to work tomoro, i just wanna draw a big sigh, snuggle on my bed and not get up.. am i the only one that finds it so tough? oh God, i wish i can yumcha with u sometimes.. just me and U.. sipping hot chocolate, or yummy apple juice.. sitting on the grass, looking at the clouds.. and me telling U my insecurities, struggles.. im longing to hear Your voice and advice.. and feel Ur embrace.. coz i know U are the only one who knows me inside out.. coz i myself dont know who am i.. =)

=)

no matter how many times i watch you, i just never get tired.. if its the you i see today, it'll be the you i want in the future... =)

can it really be like this in real life? i think so... is it possible? i think so too.. why not? right? i know its not as simple as it seems, coz i see 90 out of 100 failures, but i think with determination and prayer, with God in the centre, im sure we'll succeed! =)

im not gonna pursue anymore.. im tired of running alone.. down this path where i cant even see you.. december is coming soon.. its the sign of a new year... i ended something before the end of last year and started 2011 afresh though with injuries and wounds, i thank God for pulling me out of that deep dark hole, where i couldnt see the light and thought it was impossible to escape.. but my dear God forgave me and extended His loving and mighty hand to me.. what can i do without Him?

so whats my goal for next year? that i'll give up being the chaser.. u can do whatever u want.. its none of my business anymore, honey.. coz u're in the losing end. not me. and thats how i build my self confidence up? =)

i dunno what to put as title

yes.. i dont know what to name this post.. oh well.. its tuesday tomoro and im not working coz i took leave till wed and was supposed to go kedah, then singapore but here i am at home coz mom had to suddenly attend a kursus.. no point cancelling my leave so i just have to carry on.. wanted to go shopping today but was lazy coz just came back from kedah yesterday.. sorry to bother aaron with my msges, asking him to go lepak.. i think this is the first time i ever msged him so many times? lols..

when i went to kedah, i was sick.. again.. after a long time.. it totally ruined my mood.. next morning, i woke up with both tonsils bengkak.. idk why that happened coz i think i drank sufficient amount of water.. thank God i could still eat normally.. after drinking loads of water and constantly pee-ing, it got better the next day and im better now.

ron kept asking me to go his house and bake so i went coz i had nothing to do at home anyways.. (i was supposed to clean up the house! :P)it was fun coz we weren't sure of what to do and i brought my chivas along.. we made 2 batches and turns out, the one with chivas looked better.. it wasnt so moist and buttery. oh well, it was an interesting session..

after today, i found out there were SO MANY gay guys.. SERIOUSLY! the number is alarming! the population is growing fast and i really wonder whats the reason?! i dont understand at all.. and a majority of them are good looking! a sad statistic for us girls! sighhh.. anyways, i cant help but think whats to become of the future.. what will happen in 10years time? people are becoming more open and before u know it, they're gonna be leisurely holding hands, walking along the streets and in malls.. some of them are my friends.. and.. i hate to admit it but they look so sweet together.. like.. they really belong together! i dont get it God.. how come it doesnt look and feel wrong anymore? it this what the devil wants us to think? to deceive us? how are we supposed to bring them back to you when it looks like all is fine with being gay? i really dont know and am confused.

once again, i dont know what to do with my troubled heart.. can i just take it out, erase that something and continue on? its so so frustrating! grrrrr!

anyways, i only have to go back to work on thursday.. which is a nice feeling.. but im dreading the amount of emails i have to read when i get back.. oh well, i'll deal with that when it comes.. now all i have to do is.. lepak! and find some kaki to do stuff with.. =)

So many things

Friday was a trying day indeed. all was well till 1 hour before i could go for dinner with my frens. Was so stressed that i felt my face getting hot and even my fren said my face was red! cut the long story short, we went for dinner at Sushi Zanmai, Fahrenheit 88. Just to get a restaurant that fits everyone's needs was so difficult! and there were only 6 of us! anyways, it was good meeting up.. too bad it was such a short time and i know the next meet up would be months away though we parted by saying see u soon..

ron ajak-ed me to his house after my dinner.. i was reluctant coz i wanted to laze at home but somehow, i agreed.. ron was sick and he didnt look too good..he was too bored of staying at home that he needed some company i guess.. it was a good time though.. we talked, listened to 90's songs like Spice Girls, S Club 7, Mariah Carrey and so on.. i was really tired but it was enjoyable and before u know it, it was already 1.40am!

when i woke up this morning and wanted to check the time on my phone, i jumped up instead coz i read a msg from my fren.. her father passed away.. i was so disturbed.. called my colleagues but looks like none of them could go for the funeral.. i wanted to but didnt know where's her house.. in the end, mom and i went to 1u as we planned before.. bought the things that i wanted to and more! i think im kinda stingy when it comes to spending money.. so this time, i let loose a little. coz of something TP said.. it kept running thru my mind... since Ron said i really looked like Tina from S Club 7, (i think i do look like her the more i look at the pics now.. the power of brainwashing!) TP commented that i have the body and the looks.. i just dont dress up enough.. if i were to do that, then i'd be the bomb! and that kept repeating in my head.. am i really that stingy to spend on looks? am i really pretty? so i came to a conclusion that we only live once... we're only 21 once.. 9.46pm cant be lived again since its already 9.47pm now.. we cant turn back time.. so lets do our best and live our lives to the fullest!

Moving On

i need to get u out of my head.. i know i said so the previous time but im not very successful in doing so! if u knew about this, i bet you'd feel so proud! or would u think im a sucker? haha..i dont know how i managed to forget the previous one.. i guess out of sight, out of mind works? it might too this time.. go away.... ...

When i think of u 'S', i just sighhhh.. i know u screwed up.. i hope u wont go back down that path.. so many people's hearts are aching for you.. i dont think u know im one of those aching.. but i just pray that u'll be safe.. i dont know what are ur conditions now, but im so worried i'd shed tears the moment i see u there.. all i can do is pray.. and i hope u do too..

u know, when u read amazing miraculous bible stories, it doesnt seem real at all.. maybe we read without really giving it a thought.. like how moses parted the red sea, how jonah ended up in a fished belly, how joseph was sold off to egypt, put in jail for something he did right! yea.. he did something right and yet, things got worse for him.. we all know that after that, he lead a great life.. but imagine those years in prison.. i bet its not a nice place to be.. how could he hold on to God? to His promises? and continue to trust in Him?? this is the part of the story that i find truly amazing.. coz if i were Him, i'd be blaming God all day.. walking around in prison, sulking with a sour face.. it wouldnt be hard to spot me in prison if u wanted to come and visit.. just look for the angriest and sulkiest girl! hahahhaa! personally, the story of Joseph is my most favourite of all time.. i remember the first time i read the story, i wouldnt put it down! lying down on my bed, i read till evening.. even though it was getting dark, i didnt wanna put the book down to turn on the lights! Joseph, i really wanna meet u.. u are truly an inspiration to me.. =)

moving on.. the decision is easy.. but to utter the words to you, its so tough.. the decision was actually made so long ago.. but...its just so so hard to say goodbye.. i dont wanna part.. all those memories.. i know if we say goodbye, we wouldnt keep in touch so much already.. but i really value u all alot.. i dont know when, but it'll be real soon.. soon...

Rainy Day

woke up this morning and realised it was still dark.. looks out the window and was greated by a moody sky.. oh nooo.. its the perfect weather to sleeeeeep!! after tossing and turning on my comfy bed, my muscles forced my body up.. blink blink.. rubs eye.. drags feet.. and im off to brush teeth and shower..

ahahaha.. suddenly feeling artistic with writing.. anyways, i had to go office for a make up 'class' session. was kinda excited coz it was conducted by Lancome. but after knowing we arent getting any samples, my excitement weathered away.. (typical malaysian? :P)

got ready early and was lazing around and killing time by doing chores coz it was raining heavily anyways outside. after i got into the car and drove down the hill, i saw all the red tail lights of cars.. oh noooo.. the road is flooded!! and so i was stuck for a few mins.. precious minutes ticking away, i knew im gonna be late..

when i reached, found out it still hasnt started. when the makeup artist finally came, i expected him to be very very very soft till u feel he's girlier than all the girls combined in that room! but he was okok la.. a tolerable level.. he just selected a person to make up and explained only a little along the way.. he took so long for one person! i gave up waiting to get my chance and allowed my fren to do it for me instead..

i totally forgot today was also the SIA interview day at my hotel.. after i failed the interview i went for and hearing that Chan Vee Nee also failed, i already knocked it off my checklist a few months ago of things to achieve! but after reaching the place where the function rooms were (its the same level as where i parked my car), the atmosphere was kinda tensed! when the lift opened, so many heads turned towards me! i saw morre guys than i expected and the girls were made up nicely.. i thought to myself, i'll never be able to compete with them! with a slight smile, i walked quickly to my car.. =)

after coming home, i was inspired! i washed off the makeup and decided to do it by myself.. and i think i succeeded! coz mom also said it was nice.. tehehehe.. :D

aaron asked me to watch this vid on his graduation.. it was nicely done.. draggy at some points, but still, good job! after watching it, i felt a pang of jealousy.. getting to travel, getting airline benefits, nice uniforms (im a uniform person!)... sighhh.. i know there's a big sacrifice in having a job like this.. its not glamourous as it seems.. (trust me.. i know coz i work in the hospitality line).. and the timing of your job is at odd hours.. but.. this is what being young is about! doing the crazy fun stuff! where u can later on look back and smile.. and tell ur children.. i did this and this and this... anyways, i dont think i can take that job too coz my ears hurt like crazy during landings! how can i bear that pain and serve people and ensure their safety at the same time?

im getting sleepy.. i think i've caught the lepaking bug.. coz i feel like going out now even though im sleepy.. last time, i'd always wanna stay home. but now, i always wanna go out! but each time i go out and think that my mom is alone at home, sighhhh.. i feel real bad.. this is the sacrifice i must make sometimes? i tend to go back early sometimes from my lepaking session coz i know mom will wait up for me.. but if i feel like i still wanna stay out, sorry mom..

Of Trying Times

today was a stressful day indeed... but one thing i must say is that im proud of myself.. coz i think i handle situations better now.. although i was still stressed, i felt more at ease this time when trouble came. all glory be to God! thanks for helping me.. =)

i left office at 7.20 today, which is very late and it was still jam outside! i still havent finished my work but enough is enough.. i cant take it already.. while driving home, i already told myself im gonna pass one task to my Director.. wait a minute, that task is supposed to be done by directors and managers themselves! us coordinators are actually doing alot of their work... if our boss finds out about this, they are so screwed.. also, we're having problem with the 'buddy' system RBE implemented. i think CL got to taste, first hand, of how that 'buddy' does her job.. i really dont know how to work with that 'buddy' in the future.. on my way home, i can only commit this whole situation and the 'buddy' to God.. coz its really out of my control to improve the situation..

after a tiring day, i heard something that is so unfair, shocking and sad from my mom.. i didnt really react when i first heard it.. but after i digested it and allowed it to sink in, i swallowed my tears as i ate alone, with my back facing my mom so that she wont see.. my heart sank.. Lord... why? thats all i can ask and say... please protect S... dont let S take away his/her own life away... i really cant do anything but pray.. and have faith?

no wonder i suddenly felt sad/no mood yesterday.. i was wondering why coz i felt just fine in the morning... apparently, mom told me that this thing happened yesterday.. so my spirit was disturbed? i even suddenly prayed for S in the morning on my drive to work.. this is not the first time where i felt sad/no mood suddenly..

im tired.. i thought last week's break was a good one (though i didnt get much rest at all) but it turns out, it isnt enough! time to head to bed soon.. i just felt like i wanna hug u.. wanna tell u my worries and feel ur comfort.. but that obviously wont happen coz ur so oblivious.. haha.. wishful thinking.. :P

of trying times indeed.. so this is the part where we pray, trust God & cast all our worries aside? hard to do, but all things are possible thru Christ who strengthens me.. Amen. (:

Back to work~

its back to work for me tomorrow! im dreading it so much.. coz i have so much unfinished work to do.. but based on what i've learned last week, i'll fight my feelings, trust God, push away my worries and stride on with my face lifted up!

i just came back from Pd this evening (we went on sunday evening).. it was to celebrate Rad's bday and ron just invited me on saturday.. i kept thinking it over and over whether i should go.. just to let u know, im not that sociable.. its hard to mingle around.. i may approach ppl some times.. but thats when we are the hosts.. when its the other way round, i feel so self-conscious, so awkward... a sense of low self esteem creeps in.. i really didnt wanna go eventhough they were my friends.. that whole group are close to each other and i was so worried i'd feel left out.. but i pushed and told myself.. 'i need to overcome this.. i need to break from this shell'.. so i decided to go..

the beginning of the journey was okay.. then i started feeling left out.. is this how it feels for some ppl that join my group of frens? thats why sometimes, im the one who says hi to others when im the 'hosting' party.. coz i really dont like that alienated feeling..

the tea time was not good. restaurant's service was horrible.. the toast that i ordered wasnt that nice.. even my hotel's staff canteen cafeteria can have better toast than that! we went to the beach for awhile while waiting for the others to arrive (we didnt leave together).. and it started to drizzle.. there was some confusion on where to meet. finally found the restaurant and found out that Rad invited like 10 of her other college frens! i tell u, we stoned when we saw them! we didnt know there were so many! and they were mandarin speaking! (dont get offended yea chinese ed ppl! >.< ...but ppl from SK background, i think u know what i mean)

so we had dinner together.. my stamina might be real bad too coz i was already tired and sleepy (it was only 9+).. i could have slept if u just gave me a bed! and we got lost again after dinner, trying to find the apartment we rented.. i was so shocked to hear how much the rental was.. a whopping RM 588!!!!!! for one night only!! O.o

anyways, we washed up while Rad's college frens went to the beach.. went out to buy cards, paper cups and ice to play later at night.. at first, it was really awkward.. there was obviously 2 groups of ppl.. us and Rad's college frens.. but while playing games, we loosen up abit.. i was really too tired to go around and chat.. sorry if u had the wrong image of me but, when im tired, im really quiet!

played ice breakers, the killer squeezing hand game and of course, the drinking game.. since the rate of people drinking alot was slow, they changed the game that made 1 person drink each round! idk why but Rad's bf, (whom i dont talk to eventhough we were from the same secondary school and met afew times... he's abit anti social okay! but ppl tend to forgive him since he's good looking.. so much for good looking ppl! unfairness!!) made me drink 2 cups in a row and they wouldnt continue until i finished the last drop! it was only beer but after that, i tell u it got to my head and i found it hard to walk straight.. i was still sober but it was getting to me already.. lols! i chickened out (coz i dont wanna get drunk,.. thats one of my principles in life that i dont wanna ever break,, coz God wouldnt like it.. right God?) and joined Ron and David in the room, playing with Ron's ipad.. thanks to technology i was saved!

oh nooo.. its getting late now! i better get some sleep coz i didnt really sleep last nite! i wanted to tell that going back to PD brings back memories of my training days.. the tea time place was where my sales manager belanja-ed us during our last week in PD.. further up was the malay pasar malam (that we only went once) and in front of the pasar malam was the beach where we ate what we bought from the pasar malam.. afew roads felt familiar and i smiled to myself.. this was the place where i once dreaded coming, but felt heavy at heart when we had to leave (though i was glad we left coz i never wanna stay there long term!).. but just the memories, it was a nice feeling.. =)

wish to go on a trip like this with YA.. i kept thinking if it were with YA, i could be myself more and it would be more fun! i dont think we'd be able to go on a trip since everyone's time clashes.. Mr aaron lee's timing is the hardest to match.. sheryl is always busy.. so is melissa.. christine has lots of activities with her friends.. so i feel lonely sometimes.. coz i dont have friends?? haha.. feels like that sometimes.. :D

okok.. im so long winded.. i really should get to bed now.. work tomorrow is just... sighhhh.. but i need to enjoy what i do so that i dont need to drag my feet to work! God..please help me to love my work! if i dont love the hotel industry, what else should i work as? i dont think i can be a sales person.. honestly speaking la.. i dont like the other departments.. and im going to take my degree, in the hospitality line too? sighh. i dont know what else to study! im not so smart like others.. =/

okay! i really should get going now! till we meet again! (which i think will be real soon! *wink*) nites world! =)

Time Flies~

Wow... another week has gone by just like that! before long, i'll be back from Australia and will be typing bout my trip there! hahaha..

anyways, the past week has not been a great one.. the worst was on friday... but i learned a great lesson form it.. do not let anger, prejudice and disappointment engulf you.. my mind was so full of that rage that i couldnt focus on my job.. and up till today, im still thinking of the work that i didnt finish! i was so so mad with my manager.. i should have just shoved that feelings aside.. i guess i could have done more? but driving back, i was talking to God and that eased me up.. decided to ajak Jane and LY out for snowflake but friday was really jam everywhere.. so we just yum-ed in kepong.. had a great time talking and laughing and eating and talking and laughing more! it really did ease my stress.. thank You God! and thanks girls! =)

went to play badminton at starplus today.. arrived early (i actually was worried i'd be late.. lols) so my iphone came in handy for killing time.. hehe.. :) started playing and it felt good! sweated it out.. we all decided to extend 1 more hour coz we didnt get enough.. lunch was next.. i was seriously so so tired.. amazing that i could drive and that my legs could still carry me!

came back home and watched Running Man.. was tired and was getting a headache already so as i was lying down wanting to sleep, Ron called me saying he wants to bake cupcakes for Rad's bday.. i missed baking! so off i went to his house.. and i just came back 1 hour ago?

anyways, my mind was so pre-occupied today.. im kinda disappointed in you.. (only God knows what im talking about.. ahhaha..) why arent u braver? dont u have guts??! (i wanna unleash my anger here!) is it so difficult to msg? call? im tired of always being let down... its,hmmmmm... i can say 3rd time already like this? im so tired of this already.. just... get out of my head and dont waste my time! get lost forever!

fuyoooo.. so ganas right?? wakakkaa.. anyways, my body is starting to ache from the badminton.. im so not fit already wei! and oh yea.. i made a last min decision to join Ron and gang to celebrate Rad's bday tomoro in PD.. PD! thinking of PD makes me smile.. =) but now hor, im having 2nd thoughts on whether i should go.. coz im kinda exhausted.. Ron will so kill me if i ffk him tomoro! yikes! :P

30.10.11 - a date to remember

it was a date to remember indeed. so many things happened on that day which made it feel like a really long day.. well, maybe its because my sundays have been the same routine for weeks.. church, lunch, home, pasar malam, bed.. this sunday was a little different.. church alone, having to make a decision on whether i should meet someone, lunch, being rejected by someone else, my other friend ajak-ed me out (which is the whole purpose of this post) home..

to cut the long story short, i decided to meet my friend at 8.30.. lets call her, TP. i know TP would be late so i ran my errands first before meeting at the restaurant.. and as expected, she wasnt there even though i was 10mins late.. and this is where smart phones come in handy. to play/withold your anger while waiting for people. she only came 10mins later and she was forgiven coz she went to fetch LY.

i was curious to what she wanted to tell me coz she didnt wanna tell me thru sms.. they passed me my bday present (i really thought they forgot bout my bday!) but i wasnt so interested in that.. my curiosity was burning! TP finally told me.. she blurted out, 'i accepted God'.. i just blinked and said.. 'what?' TP repeated.. 'i accepted Christ this afternoon'..... i gasped!! 'are u serious??!!!' TP nods...!!! i was so excited i couldnt believe it was true! she told me the story of how she accepted the most amazing God into her life.. (which i wont elaborate about here)..

'i think im gonna cry'.. i told TP.. both TP and LY laughed! hahaha... and yeah... i did cry.. tears kept coming out!! for a few minutes and the waiters were starring at me! u might think im over reacting.. but i'll tell u why i was so overjoyed..

its because i have been praying for several months now, for my close friends, those who are dear to my heart...to get saved.. to open their hearts to Jesus.. i named them one by one, to God.. almost every morning when im driving to work.. until 1 point, i thought to myself.. 'i think this is useless.. its impossible'.. so i stopped.. but a few weeks ago, i got my semangat back and started committing them to God again.. and that night.. 30.10.11, when TP told me about the most incredible decision in her life, i felt my prayers werent in vain.. but after awhile, i started thinking, why should i be happy? i didnt bring her to church.. i wasnt the one who lead her in the sinner's prayer.. i talked about this with my mom.. and she told me, some people sew the seads, some water, and some reap the harvest.. so im one of those who watered.. that really comforted me.. coz i know i did help in bringing her to Chirst.. in a way la.. right? anyways, im just so happy to know that i'll be seeing her in heaven! and such a coincidence, the JYJ CD that they bought for me was titled 'In Heaven'!!! cool huh??

i was so excited that i was in a good mood on monday (which is actually really rare, mind u).. when i thought of TP, i just couldnt help but smile to myself.. the heavens were rejoicing when she said that prayer.. a marvelous celebration by the angels... if this is whats like if 1 of my dear friends are saved, what would it feel like if all of those that i named to God get saved? that will be tremendously marvelous! (:

Twist

after writing that post and reading other people's blog, i feel much better.. my frown has loosened.. my breathing has evened.. a slight smile on my face.. i think i always feel better after letting out whats inside of me.. like how i told you of my frustrations and happenings last week, i felt better and drew a sigh of relief..

i wanna talk to you, God.. i wanna lie down on Your lap, and let You stroke my hair.. just lying there quietly... no conversation needed.. i just need to feel Your comfort.. the feeling that i was worth creating.. and it was worth it..the price You paid on the cross for me.. coz You love me so...thats what i've always dreamed of... will it happen some day?

okay.. time to cheer up! i watched a cooking show where this guy baked yummy chocolate brownies!! ooooooohh! i miss the time i used to bake! my cheesecake! my chocolate cake! the only problem with baking is that i dont know who is gonna finish what i baked.. i only want to taste a portion of it.. shall i approach my cute neighbour and let him be the mangsa of my experiments? i forgot his name already.. anyways, i really wanna bake again! my oven rosak-ed already... saddddd..

oh yea.. i was sick since monday.. monday was terrible.. thank God for helping me thru monday! tuesday was better.. wednesday was worse than tuesday but better than monday.. thursday is somewhere near wednesday.. so lets see how friday will be..

give thanks with a grateful heart! lets give thanks for every little thing.. hmmm.. how shall i start? thank God i made it back home safely? without Bianco getting scratched.. without Bianco kena hentam by that road bully.. thank God i reached home in 1hr 45mins and not 2hrs like on monday?? thank God its cold tonight and its so nice to sleeeeeeeeeppppp.. thank God tomoro is friday! im feeling better already! i can even smile a full smile now! =)

oh well.. im gonna head to my bed soon.. i've been having strange dreams lately.. people i dont even think of show up in my dream.. really weird! maybe i'll dream of you tonight? ;) *wink*

Swing

wow.. its been almost a year since i posted something! i guess its a good thing as well coz no one visits my blog anymore?? hehehe.. i can syiok sendiri now! wheeee~

i was all smiles yesterday coz of the smooth traffic and im all frowns today thanks to the sluggish unmoving traffic. i was angry with my manager coz he asked me to take this road and it was so jam! in the end, the other road he took was better (i think) coz he reached home 30mins before me!

anyways, lots of thoughts always go thru my mind.. from one thing, i can go a long long way till i cant remmeber how my first thought lead to this thought now! lols.. i booked my flight to australia few months ago.. i think it was in may? and now... i dont feel like going... i was so very excited before.. but now, i dont feel like going.. i cant change anything coz the flight is booked and my friend has planned things for me. oh well, come what may....

it happened again.. this thing that im so very afraid of.. i feel like im an egg, that rolls around casually on a smooth surface and before you know it, the egg drops flat on the ground.. *splat*!! it takes awhile to paste the shell pieces back together.. and the cracks still remain..

why must it be this way? tu.. porque?? wae?? i always seem to choose the rocky path, with full of obstacles... wrong timing? perhaps.. wrong target? i think so too.. i better u-turn before i hit the deadend head on! but..but... the car is accelerating.. by itself? maybe.. most probably.. its always this way..

how i wish th prophecy isnt true! thats something that is very important to me.. is that what U really want for me? i constantly covet others.. wishing i have what they are having.. that smile.. that laughter.. that feeling.. it seems so far away.. i cant see the end of the tunnel.. i'll continue walking.. stumbling.. getting up again.. sprinting. running.. getting out of breath. collapse?? nahhh.. i'll just take a breather and continue running on! =)